The Royal Baby

Oh yes and yesser!  I am so jumping on the new royal baby bandwagon!  Maybe it's because my mom watched princess Di come home with William only a few months before she was to bring her first child home, (that would be me) or maybe it's because I watched while holding three of my own children or just maybe its because my children will probably be watching their children bringing home there new babies...

Is anyone else sad that the royals didn't present their
baby in this fashion to the crowd of onlookers?

But more then any of that beautiful "circle of life" nonsense, I think it's mostly because I'm excited for one more women to join the league of mommyhood!

From what I understand, Kate is breaking with tradition... again! and not hiring a nurse.  No, really!  No nurse.  Now, a few people have pointed out that she probably won't give up her make up artist or hair stylist or fashionista.  But as any well trained new mom could contest, none of those people can help you when you've been up for three days in a row with a child that will either not stop crying or is determined to suck the life out of you directly through your nipples.

I can only imagine what kind of stress she and her husband must be under.  The baby isn't even 24 hours old and already there has been criticism about everything from how she looks after having the baby to how they buckled the kid into his carseat.  I would like to take a moment to point out that these people might need our support.  Besides the fact that they are royalty, they are most importantly new first time parents!

Awww, they have no idea...

Complete with hopes and dreams and aspirations for their little bundle of joy that will hopefully one day look just like his mother.  Think, for a moment, about the day you brought your new baby home.  The anxiety, the exhaustion the constant need for approval.  "Am I doing this right?" was the only question you and your spouse asked each other for at least the first three weeks.

Now, imagine if the entire world was watching (not just your mother-in-law) and waiting for you to slip up.  Imagine if every move you made had to be spot on without any crack or blemish.  Imagine if you've been having a night from hell and instead of just having to get up and go to work in the the morning where you might be able to hid in your cubical for a few hours,  you instead, had to sit through 6 interviews and tell 6 different people with a room filled with cameras and lights what an amazing job it is to be a mom,  and how perfect it is and how you never think about just leaving your beautiful bundle of joy at the closest fire station and running off to Vegas like a stalk raving lunatic.

Or maybe that was just me...

Either way, I ask that we be kind.  Yes, Kate is a celebrity.  Yes, she is royalty.  Yes, she will probably have someone waiting on her hand and foot for the rest of her life.  But think, who's going to be there in those long waking hours when she is scared about a cough, or fever or even something as silly as a bad latch?  Who's going to be there when that baby won't poop or poops to much?  Who's going to be there when she wonders if he's getting enough milk or maybe he's allergic to something she ate or maybe she should just throw the in the towel all together and switch to formula.  Who's going to be there when she thinks she a failure because she couldn't handle the crying for more then an hour without breaking into tears herself?

Who's going to be there?

Not her stylist, not the reporters, not even her critics.

If she's lucky, her prince in shining armor will be there.  Just as our princes were there, holding our hands through it all.  Telling us that we were good enough.  That we were perfect mothers and we were beautiful even though we hadn't slept or showered in days.  If she's lucky she'll have him.  And that's all she'll ever need.

Because at the end of it.  She is us.  We get excited to see her come home with a baby not because she's  special and not because she's royalty.  Quite the opposite actually.  We get excited to see her with a baby because we get to welcome the newest member of the secret mommy club complete with cracked nipples and wet kisses. Bringing with her a brand new baby, a new person that didn't exist before this moment, with dreams and hopes and aspirations all their own.  How will this new person change the world, change us?  And not just because he's royalty.

Kate is a mom, she has ushered in new life!

And that should always be cause for celebration.

Antenella

The Joy of Disney World

We just got back from a very impromptu trip to Disney World.  We are so spoiled and lucky that we have annual passes and we get to go when ever we want.  That doesn't mean we actually go when ever we want, because even with the tickets already bought we're still dropping a grand in the parks; but we have the ability if we so choose.

Wanna know why this pic is so Magical?
There's no people in it.

I can hear you now.  "How is she going to possibly be able to complain about Disney World!?!?!?  The most magical of all places!!"  If you are one of these people you probably don't live in Florida to begin with or you have completely blacked out from the last time you were in Disney World and all you can remember is the fairy dust and face-character Aladdin.  Let me assure you... you are not excited to go back.

Don't get me wrong, I love Disney world!  I am a Disney freak.  But sometimes I wonder if Disney World is even for kids!  Honestly, are there ever any happy kids at Disney World?  I'm sure there are moments of happiness.  Maybe even long stretches of euphoria but those moments are constantly being pierced with the sound of shrill cries of unrealistic expectation.

Disney World has all the elements of making your kids day nothing but one long cry-fest after another.  Let me break it down for you...

First off,  your precious baby angel has been so excited with elated rapture of the very idea of going to Disney World for months before you ever go.  You wake up every morning for weeks at a time with a little face pressed against yours asking if today is the day and for every day except one, it is not.  Even if they have never been, they know that the entire place is make on a foundation of vision dreamt by her very own imagination!  So to say there is an expectation is a gross understatment.

Then when the day finally comes and you manage to get to Orlando in one piece you realize there are a million signs with a Disney Character on it.  And I'm just talking about the roads going into orlando!  You still have at least 20 minutes (if you don't get lost ((which you will)) before you even get to your hotel.  And every time your child sees said character, they will instantly be sent into an exultant squeal of "DISNEY WORLD!!!"  Which raises their blood pressure to it's breaking point.

Next you get to your disney magical hotel and all your kids can do is wonder loudly where Mickey Mouse is and why aren't we going to Disney World?!  Once you check into the most glorious room that you have spent their entire collage fund on for the next 5 days your precious baby angel will do nothing but scream and through hysterical fits about the fact that you are not in Disney World!  Forget the fact that you just drove 16 hours or you booked a room where you can feed animals from your balcony or Tinkerbell comes to your window and makes a personal appearance, it doesn't matter!  They will know that they are so close to Disney World that they can taste it but you're a terrible parent that just toys with their emotions!

If you're lucky enough, you will sleep through  the night (brahhhahahahahaah!!!) and wake up bright and early to hit the parks before anyone else decides it's even morning.  Which, of course, everyone does.  So by the time you get to the park entrance everyone is tired, cranky, hungry and amped up on anticipation that everyone is in tears.

Then you enter the Park and it's not thing but magical!  Your kids sees the castle and breaks into tears and spends the next 5 minutes telling you how much they love you and that this is the best day ever and that they will be good for ever and ever!

15 minutes later they will be sobbing for a Mickey eared ice cream and you will give in because you just spent 1500 to get into the park what's another $6 on ice cream?  That horrendous issue of "the nasty attitude" that your kids have will be a non issue because it's Disney World and Disney ice cream won't have that kind of an effect on your kids.  It's magical!

And then it's all basically down hill from there...

Let's face it.  Disney is nothing but sugar, over stimulation, over exhaustion, over excitement, crowds, crying, unbearable heat, and foreigners...  It seriously doesn't get much worse.  Who's idea was it to get your kids ramped up on sugar and then get them to stand in a line for an hour so they can cry until they fall asleep which will inevitably happen just as you are about to get on to the ride, if they didn't pull you out of line to go pee first.

Ahh, yes... Disney world.

It's all so magical...

Antenella

Totally Inappropriate

 So, I have come to realize that I need Jesus more then anyone else because I am kind of a bad person inside.  I know this.  I have come to this conclusion shortly after having kids and I have even learned to embrace this revelation and claim it as my very own.  If nothing else it makes me realize that I am not God and that I need a good, patient and graceful God because I am a complete basket case.

But this isn't about my dependency on the All-Mighty.  This is about the terrible things-that-I-say-but-really-shouldn't-say-and-I-know-I-shouldn't-say-but-I-do-anyway phrases that I have grown accustom to using...  toward my kids... or about my kids.  The kind of things that make you say "Hmmm" or "Oh my!" or "Maybe we should call child services".

Mmmmm Hmmm!

I can't be the only one that wants to strangle their kids on a daily basis!  (See!  I did it just there.)  Even though I adore my kids and they drive me absolutely insane there are just some things that is not socially acceptable to say to them or about them, especially in public.

My oldest daughter is entering her fantastic fours, which is a totally miss titled name for this age group. It should still start with an F but it should be closer to a four letter word with an ING at the end of it.  (See!  Totally inappropriate, but true.)

Anyway, she has been a very difficult child as of late and it seems to be showing on my face because I recently dropped my beautiful baby angels off at the YMCA and the ladies that worked there asked, with concern, if I was okay.
"I'm okay," I say "I'm just ready to slit my own wrists."

Well, this is one of those things that you can think all you want but don't say it out loud people!!  Just don't!  These wonderfully kind ladies who help me raise my children and honestly do I better job of it then I do, ushered my babies into the child area and then tell me that everything will be okay.  That I just need to burn off some steam and not to worry about anything.  Go and relax!

Bless them!  They care about me so much.

But it made me realize that I say a lot of things that are highly inappropriate when it comes to my kids.  Is this normal?  Is this okay?  Am I the only one that feels this way?

I'll just give you some highlights of some of the things I think and probably shouldn't say out loud...  But I do.

1. Shoot me now.
2. I hate my life.
3. Mommy needs more Vodka
4. For your own safely you need to go to your room (when addressing my children)

and always, the tried and true,

5. Miming of pulling a trigger to an imaginary gun pressed against my own skull.  Some times I put it in my mouth for added affect.

Inappropriate

Holy Crap!  I just read over this list and I am both highly amused and slightly concerned that someone is going to call Child Services on me.  But I must assure you that I don't actually believe any of the things that I say.  And I know some one is going to get all positive thinking on me.  Remember that words have power and if you speak these things into the universe... blah blah blah.

But honestly, some times I just need a release!  Some times I just have to call it what it is, and most of the time it is over dramatic and totally ill-advised and maybe a little bit scary. But you know what it mostly does?  It makes me laugh and then I don't feel so bad.

And at the end of the day if I can still laugh, I'm doing alright.

Antenella

ps: Please don't call child services on me... thank you.

The Conspiracy

Before I had kids I had such a grandiose idea of what my household would look like.  A beautifully organized home with children's art work hanging on the walls in alluring frames with nothing but crayons and paints to entertain my gracious children.  Perhaps a reading corner where I would find at least one of my astute angels sitting on plush pillows reading to their brother or sister.

Nothing but organic foods of choice and always a fresh bowl of fruit for my darlings to snack on during the day as they choose.  Never too close to breakfast and never to late for dinner.  There was nothing but kind words and songs of joy filling the house.  Never any yelling and certainly no swearing like a drunken sailor.  Besides, what could possibly get me so uptight that I would feel the need to express myself in such vulgar language?

Alas...

I notice your a man.  What's the
 weather like in your delusional world?

The dream was too good to be true.  Hell, that dream was an impossible dream!  I conveniently forgot that I was still going to be part of this equation.  (I am still not a good person.)  Lets just say that if I were to keep every piece of crap my kids came home with I would be over run,  no one is allowed to play with crayons anymore since the window incident and as for the reading corner, it's more of a place to keep our books... on the floor.  Organic is an expensive joke and if I would to leave anything out in the open it would be consumed as if they were a swarm of locusts!

As for the language in the house... I blame myself.  I'm kind of obnoxious so I can't just blame my kids.  I guess this would be a good time to take some responsibility.  But there are still somethings that I just never thought I would ever have to deal with when it came to my kids.  Nothing you can do can prepare you for the chaos that is a house full of kids or kid in some cases.  NOTHING!

I'm trying...

I'm starting to think that it's a conspiracy.  No one tells you how it really is because then the human race would died out.  But seriously... YEARS ago!  Because if we knew the truth, we'd never have a kid, let alone two!  The thing that falls short the most in this whole child rearing thing is the reality of some of the things I have to discipline my children for.  It's not even the act, its the fact that I have to do it at all.  Some of these things should just be a non-issue.  Such as:

1. Don't bite yourself

2. Don't pee in your toy dump truck

3. If you do pee, do not let your sister play in it.

4. Don't stand on the glass table

5. Don't run into traffic.

6. Don't put candy you find on the floor in your mouth.

7. Don't lick the car tires

8. Don't scream the word 'penis' in public

9. Don't stomp on your sister/brothers head

10. Don't eat your shoes

11. Don't blow raspberries into my butt hole when I bend over

12. Don't eat your sisters fingers

13. Don't delete all my contacts in my phone

14. Don't jump off the couch onto your brother shoulders

15. Don't throw around the dollar bills from out of wallet like you're making it rain... in Wal-mart.

16. No you can not fly

17. No you can not drive

18. No you can not go to a Justin Beiber Concert

19. No you can not swing on my blinds like Tarzan

20. No you can not see or touch my boobs... Ever.  (That ship has sailed)

Sigh*

I wish I was exaggerating some of these, but no.  It is true what they say.  Some times the truth is better then fiction and when it come to kids...

It always is.

Antenella

My House Hates Me

Selling your house is probably one of the most stressful experiences that the average person will ever have to go through.  How fortunate for me!  How is it that everything goes wrong just as you are planning on selling?  I swear, its as if my house is a jealous girlfriend that knows I'm going to break up with her so it's making my life a living hell, mostly because she knows I've got some floozy waiting in the wings.  In which case, she would be right because we already put an offer on another house.  Slut!  (Me, not the house)

Anyway, it seems as if all the stars have aligned to make selling our house a disaster.  As if having to show a house with three kids under 4 isn't enough to send you into an early grave, now everything in your house is going to break down.

Sprinkler system?  Check.
Garage door?  Check.
Garbage disposal?  Check.
Car breaking down? ...  Oh, yeah.  Our vehicles even got in on the protest action.  (They're like the irrationally loyal friends of the jealous girlfriend)

I hear this happens a lot to people who are trying to sell.  It's almost as if God is asking you how much you want it.  I was talking with another girlfriend of mine who was in the middle of selling her house and her check list was roughly the same.  So we're swapping horror stories, trying to one up each other and I pull out the winner.  I say, 'oh yeah?  well did your house catch on fire?'

... I wish I was making this up.  But then it wouldn't be my life, which is way better then any fiction you could come up with on your own.

So, I'm in my kitchen working on some crafting project and I'm trying to close an eye hook pendant with my teeth when I realize I should just get the pliers out of the garage.  Duh!  So I walk myself over to the garage door, open it up and is greeted with a face full of smoke.  Not just a little wisp, I'm talking full on girl-scout-somebody-dropped-their-hot-dog-in-the-campfire smoke.

Well, crap!

So' nuff

I quickly close the door and grab my cell phone and call 911.  The dispatcher answers and asks me for my emergency and I'm all like:
'My garage is on fire and I don't know why.'
'Don't worry, we're sending a fire truck over.  Get everyone out of the house.'

And you know you're a mom when your kid is napping and 911 tells you to get everyone out of the house and you're all like 'do I wake them or should I just wait until they get here?'

...

Calm down!  I got everyone out of the house.  My son was losing his mind because he wanted to watch Thomas the train.  Really?  Your house is on fire.  I'm sure Thomas can wait.  I pacify him with the prospect of real life fire trucks coming to our house.

that little jerk is going to make us all burn to death!

Sure enough we can hear the trucks coming and as they start to pull into my neighborhood I'm starting to get a little nervous.  It wasn't just one truck, it was one truck after another.  Three fire trucks and two paramedic trucks later I start to panic. What if this is a bigger deal then I'm picturing?  What if they open up the garage and it's billowing with smoke and flames?  What if it hits the container of gasoline?  omg.

I am trying to sell this house!!  I am still under contract!

I look down at my son and his face is lit up like a Christmas tree.  Firetrucks everywhere?!  He has the coolest mom EVER!!

The firemen get out of the trucks in their gear complete with fire axe, they open up the fire hydrant across from my house and now I'm not just thinking about fire damage but water damage.  ERMERGED!!

Six guys trudge into my house and open the garage door.  Smoke comes pouring out of it and of course you can't just get into my garage.  Oh no.   Of course not, because my sister happened to be in town just long enough to fill my garage with all her stuff.  Fantastic.

So now I've got about 20 guys unloading my garage trying to locate where the smoke is coming from.  Meanwhile, my son is having the time of his life and laughing and running around and looking at the firetrucks and talking to anyone that would listen.  Best mom ever!!

Anyway, all of this drama to find out that my washing machine had broken and the belt was spinning so fast it was going to catch on fire.  Hurray for the fire department!!

So now I get to add yet another thing to my to-do list.

Washing machine?  Check.

Antenella

The ABC's Toddler Nutrition

Oh my Gosh!!  My very first Guest blog!!  Can I get any more excited?  I think not.  Not only do I have the most awesome friends, they are also hilarious and fabulous writers.  This is one of my "mommy's in crime" that I am so privileged to know and complain-about-my-kids with.  Brandy Anderson people!  Give it up!  *Hand Clapping*  She is a genius and I'm pretty sure she's a super hero on her off days.  Except for the fact that she struggles with the basics of her kids eating habits just like the rest of us.  So here is her version of how to get your toddler to eat... anything.  (packaged Pancakes?  I died, love it!)

First and foremost I want to thank Adria for the opportunity to be a guest on her blog.  We have been talking about it for what seems like the forever, and being the slacker that I am, I kept coming up with excuses for not actually writing one.  Although, I'm sure the real reason she wanted me to write a guest blog was so she would get a week off. Yeah I'm pretty sure that’s the reason.... Regardless I'm honored!

A little about myself, my name is Brandy, I'm a full-time mom and part time hairstylist.  I have a 2.5 year old son, Bryce, who gives me the inspiration and qualification for writing this guest post. He has inspired a lot of subjects, but Adria has pretty much covered most of them in previous posts. So my guest post today is simply called, "No, you can't have ice cream for breakfast!"

Over the weekend I had the pleasure of attending a wedding with some friends I have not seen in a long time.  Since seeing them last, we have moved to different states and had children.  We were sitting at the same table for dinner, so of course our conversation revolved around our children. You would think we would be 'getting all kinds of crazy' considering we didn’t have our children with us, but having a child changes a lot, who am I kidding- having a child changes everything.

So we are talking and I ask her about her son's diet.  He is a year older than Bryce, so I am hoping she has some words of wisdom. I am always asking other moms about what their kids eat because my child’s diet sucks.  I want to know I am not alone in this daily battle. She agreed, confirming her son doesn't eat anything either, in fact her husband gave me a rundown of their sons daily meal plan, and it went something like this….

why eat fruit when you can stuff your face with
cupcakes?

 "In the morning, he wants packaged chocolate muffins, sometimes two packs." I start to laugh because I know that if Bryce knew what prepackaged muffins were he would not eat his pancakes anymore and would demand them for breakfast. (Not that the packaged pancakes he likes are any better by any means.) She goes on to tell me that she has actually made him homemade muffins and he turned his nose up to them.  Yes, I know that gesture well.

or this?  Really, though?  Can you blame her?

He continues, "For lunch he eats maybe a couple bites of chicken nuggets, not an all white chicken nugget from Chick-fil-a but chicken parts from McDonalds." At this point I am laughing my ass off (can I cuss Adria? Not sure the rules, if not you can change it to butt or whatever you feel is appropriate) because I'm lucky if I can get my kid to eat fried chicken from Chick-fil-a or McDonalds.

ain't nothing wrong.  Don't judge!

He finishes his story by telling me for dinner "I shove a couple bites of Macaroni and cheese down his throat, then he poops the size of a softball.”  I am laughing so hard at this point, because all of it is entirely true.  I'm so glad I'm not alone in this battle.  They painted the same picture that I deal with daily! 

I have discussed his diet with my pediatrician and basically besides force feeding, which she did not promote, I am stuck with my kids’ crappy diet.  I cook healthy stuff for dinner... I try not to buy artificially flavors and colors, etc. I read labels.  I buy whole wheat pasta/bread..I'm not 'granola' but I do try the best to buy healthy things for my family and myself. Bryce would be thrilled if his daily meal plan consisted of (in no particular order) yogurt, fruit snacks and maybe fruit for every meal.  Along with a side of cookies, crackers, and M&M’s…seriously!  Ugh!

Tonight as we were reading The Very Hungry Caterpillar, I had an epiphany when we got to my sons favorite page in the book. I have attached a picture in case you are not familiar.  It dawned on me why it is he likes it so much; it’s an entire page of his favorite food groups, Salt and Sweets!  

I decided to conclude with a few random thoughts about my experience in toddler nutrition.

• I could feed a small country based on all the food and money I have thrown away trying to get him to eat.
• He poops more than he ingests, I don’t know how.
• His favorite food group is Sugar.
• His favorite drink is sugar water, aka watered down apple juice.
• If he likes something one day (that is not sugar and actually semi healthy) I will buy more of it and…he will never eat it again. See #1.

So instead of stressing myself, like I have since my son started eating solids, I decided to relax.  He is a happy, healthy growing boy.  I just thankful my sister in law is a dentist.

Brandy Anderson

Everyday!

Dear crying child of mine:

Its the same thing.  Everyday.  I'm not kidding.  Everyday!  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.  Everyday its the same thing!  You have to wear clothes.  Every.  Day.  The 4 S's.  Shirt, shorts, socks, shoes.  I try to make it as easy as possible.  Even underwear is optional some of the time.  But you have to look presentable even if it is just one big facade.

Apparently my kids are
going to be pretty stupid.

Everyday we get up at the same time and we get ready for school.  Everyday.  I wake you up, you pee, I get you dressed, I brush your teeth, we go down stairs, I make you food, I put your shoes on and then we go out the door.  Everyday!

So why, oh why do you proceed to fight me at ever single step of the wake up routine.  Even if I don't have to wake you up, you still cry about having to get out of bed.  But on days when we don't have to get up early you come into my room and cry at me till I wake up from my sleep deprived stupor.  Really?  I can't win.

Forget the fact that after looking over this list of thing that need to be done everyday, I realize, I'M the one doing all the work!  All you have to do is cooperate.  You don't even have to be awake or coherent!  You could just sit there like a rag doll while I slip your pants on over your butt.

Of course the pants I will have picked for you will not be appropriate for what you think should be worn for that particular day.  But if I let you pick you're own clothes you will inevitably pick nothing but your bathing suit and socks.  Why?  When has that ever been okay for school?  When?  Did your father tell you that this was okay one day when I wasn't around?  (not possible, I am always around.)

Then going pee.  Really?  I mean, seriously.  It's the beginning of the day.  You have been asleep all night (sometimes) and you're telling me you don't have to pee?  Really?  Holy bladder infection, Batman! You have got to go to the bathroom!  Don't fight me just because I suggested it.  And please, don't wait until I have wrestled your pants on you while you were during a rather convincing impression of an alligator because I am not doing that sh*t again!  You will hold it till I drop you off at school!

And brushing your teeth.  All I ask is the you don't cry during the whole thing, because brushing and toothpaste and extra saliva is just asking for dirty shirts and I just finished having to hog tie you long enough to get you in the first one.  Please just spit when I ask you too and don't let the blueberry kids toothpaste that stains everything it touches grace your preciously clean t-shirt with its presence.

Forget it!  No one is wearing clothes today.

Next.  Eat breakfast.  Just do it.  Your are a raging beast because you are hungry.  Trust me.  If you eat the waffle style cinnamon toast deliciousness you will feel so much better.  Plus, I am not feeding you again in an hour when you have decided it is time to eat.  Welcome to my household.  It never works that way.  Ever!  You will be a raging beast until lunch time.  (or until I give under the pressure.  In that case you will get goldfish.)

Put your shoes on.  Not your sandals, not your ballet shoes, not your dress shoes that are too small for you, not your sisters shoes.  Your shoes!  Every time.  If we were going to the beach you could wear sandals.  If we were going to church you could wear your dress shoes.  If we were going to a drag show you could wear your sisters shoes.  But we're not.  We're going to school.  SCHOOL!  And if I have to pin you to the ground like a high-school wrestler then you better keep those shoes on because just like your pants, I ain't doing that sh*t again.

Put on your sneakers!!
NO!

This may seem strange and confusing to you because you can't for any reason understand why it would be important to wear such things like shoes and have fresh breath from teeth brushing but I promise you there is a very good reason.  Mostly, its because I am trying desperately to keep up this charade that I may actually know what I'm doing and that I haven't lost my mind completely.

So please, for the love of every thing holy just play along until your old enough to make your mistakes all on your own.  I want these people to like me.

Love always your charlatan mother

Antenella