Hope you enjoy the newest rendition of my son and I doing our very first duet. With many more to come....
Hopefully.
Frozen's Open Door Performed by my son and I
Thursday, June 5, 2014
#stillgoingstrong
Seriously, It's going to be Christmas again and my kids are going to be just as obsessed with the Frozen Phenomenon as there where when it first showed its diabolical face on the big screen. But with it being summer in south Florida, having a few ice creating magical powers would be a bonus.
Hope you enjoy the newest rendition of my son and I doing our very first duet. With many more to come....
Hopefully.
Frozen's Open Door Performed by my son and I
Hope you enjoy the newest rendition of my son and I doing our very first duet. With many more to come....
Hopefully.
Frozen's Open Door Performed by my son and I
Thursday, May 29, 2014
Mothers of One
It's the last week of school and my mother has allowed my youngest daughter to go with her to school all week! This means that yesterday both my girls were in school and it was just me and my son home alone for some mommy/son time. During this magical time of having a single child home with me you would think that my stress level would have been at a bare minimum. Seriously! How hard can it be with one?
.....
I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I take back every bad thing I ever thought when I heard a mother of one talk about how all consuming parenting is. I'm sorry for all the eye rolling and knowing smirks I flashed in the direction of a mother of one about to lose her shmit in the middle of Publix. I take back every judgmental and critical thought I have ever had, even if it was just for a split second that made parenting a single child any easier then parenting a brood.
I have three kids and after spending just the morning with my opinionated, demanding, emotionally psychotic three year old; you could not pay me enough to be a mother of one. That shit is hard!! I forgot. I mean really, I forgot how all consuming it is. There are no breaks, no distractions, no other noise even except for the constant stream of conscious thought spewing from the lips of my son like a foun't that over-floweth.
As a mother of one, you become the soul entertainer, party planner, caterer and playmate of your child. There is nothing to distract them from following you to the bathroom, the kitchen, your bedroom. Have you ever walked into another room and forgot what it was you came in for so you spin around quick to leave the way you came and you trip over a toddler because they apparently can't survive being more then a foot away from you at all. Possible. Moments. Of TIME?
Welcome to the life of a mother of one.
Not only was the attention consistently on me but if for what ever reason my attention strayed even for a second my son would grab my face and look into my eyes asking "What did I say? Are you listening?" in his best "mom" voice he could muster. Of course, I was listening to the first 100 times you said that you liked "Mighty Machines" and I just assumed that the next 50 times were more for the collective consciousness and didn't actually warrant a response.
...
I was wrong. Every little thing that came out of his mouth was of dire importance that needed nothing but undivided attention... and I can almost understand this. I mean, he is three, after all and the world is kind of a magical place right now and he honestly never gets any time by himself with me EVER! So I tried to be as patient as possible ...
But when he would interrupt my responses to his questions in order to feed me the lines he wanted, as if he was the overbearing director of Hamlet, I started to feel like more of a sounding board as opposed to an equal in conversation.
Needless to say, I dropped the girls off at school at 9:00am and by 11:00am we magically found ourselves at the nearest playground just so I could get a mental break, even in the 98 degree florida summer heat!...
So here's to you momma's! Here's to all of you that are struggling to keep their single child at bay while simultaneously trying to cling to your sanity. Here's to playgrounds and splash parks and Pintrest projects. Here's to playdates and movie nights and little gyms. Here's to basically anything that even resembles entertainment for more then 15 minutes. You ladies are soldiers!! And I only have one bit of advice for clinging to sanity...
Have more children...
Antenella
Thursday, May 22, 2014
What I learned by being "Less Then"
I have recently started doing some volunteer work at my church and a few things have come to my attention through this whole experience. 1) I'm shocked that anyone in this entire facility thought I would be something other then a liability to the good name of my church, 2) I forgot what it felt like to be a real person and 3) I have actually learned a lot by being a stay-at-home mom.
Although I could do a whole blog entry on just observation number 1, I would like to focus more on the revelations of 2 and 3. I forgot what it feels like to be a real person and even thought this statement sounds negative in its own right. It makes me realize that without it, I could never truly understand what it means to be a "real person" in the first place.
My life consists of two things: Crying and not being good enough... for anyone. I don't say this in the deprecating way that it might sound. I say it more as a matter-of-fact. It's not a good thing or a bad thing it, just is. Most of the time I am not good enough. Not that I am useless but that I just can't live up to the unrealistic expectations of the three people I associate myself with the most. In order to make these people happy I would in fact, have to be God Himself.
Because....
It is impossible to fill a water bottle at the refrigerator and help someone wipe their butt in the bathroom. It is also an impossibility to "magic" special toys out of thin air along with changing the music on pandora while simultaneously handing goldfish to the child in the very back seat of your mini van without involving a head on collision. Some things are just not humanly possible no matter how much you want them to be.
So it's not that I feel less then adequate its more that I feel unreal all together. I am more of a half person, half inanimate object that gets yelled at for just being. I am less then a servant and more like a slave and I can't quit, I can't write to my union, I get even get compensated by a pay raise. I just have to live day in and day out with being a "less then" person.
It's not bad, in fact, its pretty great most of the time. No one actually expects quality work from you and you can totally be late and no body cares because they are just impressed you arrived at all! This leads me to the 3rd revelation, that I have actually learned a lot by being a "less then" person otherwise known as a stay-at-home mom.
There are a few indisputable truths that have dominated a lot of my thoughts since transitioning into a professional environment. Even though it is only a small amount of volunteer time I have already realized how much the working world would benefit from having a "Less then" person in there mists. In the wise words of Adele, we can "Lay your sh*t bare", if you will.
1) Stop whining: You know what's more irritating then a toddler whining? An adult whining. Whether it's about not getting your copies done in time for your meeting or the office coffee not being hot enough, it's still annoying to listen too. Unfortunately, office whining is a lot like retelling of your night time dreams: Nobody wants to hear it but you.
2) No one likes a tattle-tail: This is a hard one because in preschool it is strongly discouraged to tattle-tail but as an adult it is practically a right of passage. All we want to do is commiserate how offended we are by one thoughtless action or another of a fellow coworker or friend or family member. But the reality is, if you got a problem with someone, you gotta go talk to them about it; not everybody else! Which is a beautiful little Segway into number 3...
3) No one wants to deal with your crap: Complaining is only acceptable if your going to make it funny. (This is how I get away with this one) Unless it's funny, it's just a great big downer. My daughter is notorious for this. "Life is so hard! My mother is so unfair! You don't even understand how ridiculous everyone is being because they won't let me go swimming in the pool when I just made a big stink about my ear infection and my mom just paid 50 bucks for medication to make it better. Life is so unfair!!" Yeah, that's kind of what we sound like as adults as well...
4) Take a nap: Forget office living how about for life in general! How much of our problems would be rectified if we just got enough sleep as opposed to barely getting any at all?
5) Watch where you're going!: It is embarrassing how often my kids walk into walls or doors or parked cars because they are just not looking where they are going. That's a lot like what we do as adults. We can get so wrapped up in numbers 1-4 that we forget that there is actually work that has to be done and a week goes by and nothing is accomplished and is just tacked onto the next work week. Next thing you know we are swimming in responsibility that should have been corrected a week ago!
and lastly...
6) You are not the boss! (Unless, you are then this doesn't apply to you so much) I'm the mom so I'm the boss and some times I make decisions that are stupid and inefficient and frustrating and sometimes my kids try to point this out to me and sometimes I don't care, because I'm the boss and they have do what I say! It's usually sooner then later that I realize for myself that my ideas were stupid and inefficient and frustrating. But, do you want to be right, or sent to your room for a time out? Sometimes we just have to swallow that pill and wait for the powers that be to figure it out, because that's their job... not mine.
I'm not even sure if this is making the connection that I am hoping it will but let me just end by saying that I have learned more about patience, time management, problem solving and professionalism in the past 5 years of being home with my kids then I ever could have learned in the work force and I think I am a better employ because of it.
Just as long as they don't find out about my drinking habit...
Antenella
Although I could do a whole blog entry on just observation number 1, I would like to focus more on the revelations of 2 and 3. I forgot what it feels like to be a real person and even thought this statement sounds negative in its own right. It makes me realize that without it, I could never truly understand what it means to be a "real person" in the first place.
My life consists of two things: Crying and not being good enough... for anyone. I don't say this in the deprecating way that it might sound. I say it more as a matter-of-fact. It's not a good thing or a bad thing it, just is. Most of the time I am not good enough. Not that I am useless but that I just can't live up to the unrealistic expectations of the three people I associate myself with the most. In order to make these people happy I would in fact, have to be God Himself.
Because....
It is impossible to fill a water bottle at the refrigerator and help someone wipe their butt in the bathroom. It is also an impossibility to "magic" special toys out of thin air along with changing the music on pandora while simultaneously handing goldfish to the child in the very back seat of your mini van without involving a head on collision. Some things are just not humanly possible no matter how much you want them to be.
So it's not that I feel less then adequate its more that I feel unreal all together. I am more of a half person, half inanimate object that gets yelled at for just being. I am less then a servant and more like a slave and I can't quit, I can't write to my union, I get even get compensated by a pay raise. I just have to live day in and day out with being a "less then" person.
It's not bad, in fact, its pretty great most of the time. No one actually expects quality work from you and you can totally be late and no body cares because they are just impressed you arrived at all! This leads me to the 3rd revelation, that I have actually learned a lot by being a "less then" person otherwise known as a stay-at-home mom.
There are a few indisputable truths that have dominated a lot of my thoughts since transitioning into a professional environment. Even though it is only a small amount of volunteer time I have already realized how much the working world would benefit from having a "Less then" person in there mists. In the wise words of Adele, we can "Lay your sh*t bare", if you will.
1) Stop whining: You know what's more irritating then a toddler whining? An adult whining. Whether it's about not getting your copies done in time for your meeting or the office coffee not being hot enough, it's still annoying to listen too. Unfortunately, office whining is a lot like retelling of your night time dreams: Nobody wants to hear it but you.
 |
| Are you complaining again? |
3) No one wants to deal with your crap: Complaining is only acceptable if your going to make it funny. (This is how I get away with this one) Unless it's funny, it's just a great big downer. My daughter is notorious for this. "Life is so hard! My mother is so unfair! You don't even understand how ridiculous everyone is being because they won't let me go swimming in the pool when I just made a big stink about my ear infection and my mom just paid 50 bucks for medication to make it better. Life is so unfair!!" Yeah, that's kind of what we sound like as adults as well...
4) Take a nap: Forget office living how about for life in general! How much of our problems would be rectified if we just got enough sleep as opposed to barely getting any at all?
 |
| Not at your desk! Go to your car like a normal person! |
and lastly...
6) You are not the boss! (Unless, you are then this doesn't apply to you so much) I'm the mom so I'm the boss and some times I make decisions that are stupid and inefficient and frustrating and sometimes my kids try to point this out to me and sometimes I don't care, because I'm the boss and they have do what I say! It's usually sooner then later that I realize for myself that my ideas were stupid and inefficient and frustrating. But, do you want to be right, or sent to your room for a time out? Sometimes we just have to swallow that pill and wait for the powers that be to figure it out, because that's their job... not mine.
 |
| I think I made a mistake.. How do I fix this without the pee-ons finding out. |
 |
| I'm smiling because I have vodka! |
Antenella
Thursday, May 8, 2014
Wisdom of Strangers
Today I was reminded of why I am so grateful that I am such an obnoxious talker. If you've ever had any kind of a conversation with me (or sat in the next booth over from me while I was talking) you would know that it is one of my most favorite things to do. I especially love to complain about my children. Not because they are really terrible but because half of the stuff that they do, you just couldn't make up!
When I was younger I would be known to embellish my stories to make them more interesting. It wasn't lying. I just figure, why let the truth get in the way of a good story? But now I feel like the boy who cried wolf because everyone just assumes I'm exaggerating!
Alas...
Now as a parent, I have been known to talk (and blog) about the shenanigans my children pull with just about anyone. My mom, my friends, the poor women stuck in the check-out line next to me. But today I was talking with one of the moms who son is in the same classroom as my son.
We were both watching from the doorway as her son started to lift a jar of lemonade off of the table in order to pour himself a glass. Did I mention that this was a three year old class? Both of us looked on at the impending doom, letting a sigh escape our lips.
"That's not going to end pretty," She says to me.
"At least he's in the classroom so, technically it won't be a mess that you'll have to clean up." I reply.
"Yeah," She sighed again. "I just feel bad, that they'll have to clean it up at all."
"You think that's bad, let me tell you what my daughter did yesterday."
I then proceeded to tell her about "the Incident of the 7th of March", where (long story short) my youngest daughter decided that she would rather urinate all over herself in the middle of Walgreens then follow my direction. Yes, my daughter peed herself to spite me...
When I told this wonderful women, who also has an adopted child, about my plight I asked her, "Is that normal? Do I have to put her back in therapy? Is she going to be a psychotic serial killer when she gets older?"
The beautiful, compassionate and super smart women looked at me like I had three heads and said,
"No! Of course not! That is totally normal! She's three right?"
So she told me all the terrors of the three-year-old's and how they are way worse then two-years-old's and she will totally grow out of it and that it's just their nature. She's totally fine and no, that is not weird at all.
"Really?" I asked breathlessly as a ray of hope burst from my chest. "I'm not totally, royally screwing her up?"
"Of course not!"
I can't tell you how much better I feel. Its as if a weight has been lifted and I can stand tall once more. When ever I have these battle of wills with my children I always seem to come out of them worst for wear and honestly, I don't know if my heart can take it anymore.
I second guess myself, I wonder if it's something that needs to be fixed with medication. What if it's because she's adopted and its in her DNA and the horror stories of adopted children killing their parents in their sleep start washing over me and I wonder if maybe I can't just fix it with love and discipline after all!!!
But because I can't keep my mouth shut, I shared my fears, the Lord heard my cry and He sent me this spectacular women in white that was able to banish my fears and get back on the horse of parenting.
But what if I wasn't open about my struggles? What if, because of my mortification, I just kept it all inside? (Like a normal person) What if I just allowed my thoughts to consume me, thinking over and over again of the altercation that will be forever know as "the Incident of the 7th of May".
I can tell you exactly what would have happened! My nerves would have wrecked me from the inside out and I would be weaker in the next battle of wills with my children and then maybe they would win the next one.
They mustn't win. Ever. I must break their spirits! Molding them in to the well behaved, willing members of society that I know they can become!
All of this to say, don't be afraid to share you failings because maybe your very failing was another moms victory and she can tell you what the battle looks and feels like on the other side. She will be able to paint a picture of normalcy and acceptance and triumph and maybe...
you can ride on her coat-tails until you have victories of your own.
Antenella
When I was younger I would be known to embellish my stories to make them more interesting. It wasn't lying. I just figure, why let the truth get in the way of a good story? But now I feel like the boy who cried wolf because everyone just assumes I'm exaggerating!
Alas...
Now as a parent, I have been known to talk (and blog) about the shenanigans my children pull with just about anyone. My mom, my friends, the poor women stuck in the check-out line next to me. But today I was talking with one of the moms who son is in the same classroom as my son.
We were both watching from the doorway as her son started to lift a jar of lemonade off of the table in order to pour himself a glass. Did I mention that this was a three year old class? Both of us looked on at the impending doom, letting a sigh escape our lips.
"That's not going to end pretty," She says to me.
"At least he's in the classroom so, technically it won't be a mess that you'll have to clean up." I reply.
"Yeah," She sighed again. "I just feel bad, that they'll have to clean it up at all."
"You think that's bad, let me tell you what my daughter did yesterday."
I then proceeded to tell her about "the Incident of the 7th of March", where (long story short) my youngest daughter decided that she would rather urinate all over herself in the middle of Walgreens then follow my direction. Yes, my daughter peed herself to spite me...
When I told this wonderful women, who also has an adopted child, about my plight I asked her, "Is that normal? Do I have to put her back in therapy? Is she going to be a psychotic serial killer when she gets older?"
 |
| Maybe she'd be a better mom? |
"No! Of course not! That is totally normal! She's three right?"
So she told me all the terrors of the three-year-old's and how they are way worse then two-years-old's and she will totally grow out of it and that it's just their nature. She's totally fine and no, that is not weird at all.
"Really?" I asked breathlessly as a ray of hope burst from my chest. "I'm not totally, royally screwing her up?"
"Of course not!"
I can't tell you how much better I feel. Its as if a weight has been lifted and I can stand tall once more. When ever I have these battle of wills with my children I always seem to come out of them worst for wear and honestly, I don't know if my heart can take it anymore.
I second guess myself, I wonder if it's something that needs to be fixed with medication. What if it's because she's adopted and its in her DNA and the horror stories of adopted children killing their parents in their sleep start washing over me and I wonder if maybe I can't just fix it with love and discipline after all!!!
 |
| She seems so normal... |
But what if I wasn't open about my struggles? What if, because of my mortification, I just kept it all inside? (Like a normal person) What if I just allowed my thoughts to consume me, thinking over and over again of the altercation that will be forever know as "the Incident of the 7th of May".
I can tell you exactly what would have happened! My nerves would have wrecked me from the inside out and I would be weaker in the next battle of wills with my children and then maybe they would win the next one.
They mustn't win. Ever. I must break their spirits! Molding them in to the well behaved, willing members of society that I know they can become!
All of this to say, don't be afraid to share you failings because maybe your very failing was another moms victory and she can tell you what the battle looks and feels like on the other side. She will be able to paint a picture of normalcy and acceptance and triumph and maybe...
you can ride on her coat-tails until you have victories of your own.
Antenella
Thursday, May 1, 2014
I Heart Disney World
 |
| YAY!!! i hate you... |
Disney World is magical and beautiful and everything works properly and the "cast members" all treat you with respect and dignity even though everyone knows that you totally surrendered your dignity back in Tomorrow land when you pushed over a 7 year old to make sure your son got a pic with Buzz Lightyear. ( It really is the most magical place on earth.) but most of the time you are too hot and sweaty and tired and cranky to really enjoy any of it.
 |
| Where's my martini?!?! |
All complaining aside, this time was different. This time was awesome!! I don't know if it was because my kids were just better behaved then normal, (hahahahaha) or maybe it was because for the first time, we didn't have to be dragging a stroller, two back packs, a cooler full of breastmilk and a "plastic bag for wet things" along with three kids under the age of 5 around an amusement park. Not very amusing...
I'm thinking it might have something to do with the latter.
So I am here to give you hope! If you are ever able and willing to plan a trip to the most magical place on earth and it's terrible, it will get better. There is a reason why children 2 and under are free. It's because they will hate it!
It's hot, and loud, and way to visually over stimulating and every 20 minutes the music comes blaring over the speakers to announce one parade or show after the other. It's just magically exhausting.
Not only did I not have to lug half our house with us this trip but my kids are now old enough that they don't get exhausted every 3 hours. They go all.... day..! Normally, this makes me want to slit my writs, (calm down, it's just side to side so you know I'm just doing it for attention) But in Disney World, this is a must! Do not bring your kids if they still nap. Trust me, it will be torturous.
Allow me to give you a snapshot:
 |
| We finally made it! Nap time! |
Next thing that made this trip more enjoyable was the fact that my kids don't have to eat every 30 minutes. Thank the Lord my youngest had a "hoarding" issue that had to be rectified with therapy or we would never have learned our lesson. My children, like most, ate like birds. Literally, every 30 minutes I would be shoving goldfish into their tiny mouths just to keep them quite.
I know the idea is to get them to eat healthy snacks, like apples and carrot sticks every 20 minutes but lets be honest, i'm just feeding my kids as many packages of goldfish or cheese-its it takes to get through "It's a Small World".
But since my kids weren't perpetually hungry, I didn't have to stop every 15 minutes to get them a sandwich or a mickey Ice cream or a Turkey leg from Frontier Land. Lets just say that this simple fact did not only saved my sanity but also my pocketbook.
 |
| Dumbo, much more our speed. |
 |
| Family Vacations are awesome!! |
Needless to say, Disney World is a completely different animal when your kids are just a little bit older! Granted, I don't think its a coincidence that the very age that your children start to be awesome fun in the parks is also the same time you have to pay upward of $100 for their entry...
But if you're looking for the best time in the Disney Parks?
...
get a sitter and leave the kids at home!
Antenella
Thursday, April 24, 2014
Gotcha Day!! She's not yours!
Just for clarification, this is me and my youngest daughter...
In order to celebrate my little Nubian Princess' 2nd Gotcha Day, I would like to take this opportunity to point out a few things that you will never have to deal with unless you have an adopted child. An adopted child that looks nothing like you... or your husband... or the rest of your kids...
1. People ask me if I babysit?
2. Old people do a lot of open mouthed staring when I walk into a store.
3. There is a lot of confusion among the people around me if she walks more then two feet in front of me.
4. People have asked me where her mom is.
5. People have asked me if I was going to be open with her about her adoption. (I'm pretty sure she's going to figure it out)
6. People have told me that she has my eyes...
7. If my daughters hair is not "did" everyday, inevitably that one day will be the day that I get a dozen business cards from ladies that do "our-kind-of-hair"
8. People ask if I feel like she's really mine... (I don't even know what to make of that one) I usually just tell people "Well, I should hope so! I bought her!"
9. I have seen my 5 year old tell many a child that it is I who is her sisters mother.
10. People ask if she looks like her father... Sometimes I say yes. (What? She could, I don't know...)
Not to mention all the normal questions that you will be answering every single time you are in an area that is shared by any person other then your family. "When did you get her? How does she fit in? Do the other kids accept her? Did you get her from Africa? What are you going to do with her hair? How much did she cost?"
It can start to feel like you are the butt of one bad racist joke after another but really people want to know. I'm amazed at how foreign adoption still is to most people. I don't mind that they ask questions. Really! I love to tell people our story. (Mostly because I love to talk about myself and I do come into this story pretty often) The only time it starts to become daunting is when people around me start to see my youngest daughter as a communal child.
I don't think people are consciously doing this. In fact, it took me a long time to even identify this phenomenon myself! But it is something that I have to deal with everyday of my parenting life.
People don't really see my youngest child for what she is. MY CHILD. She is not a toy, she is not an anomaly, she's not a pet. She is a child. My child and I don't appreciate people thinking that they know better then I do when it comes to her best interests.
Again, it's not like people are trying to be mean or tell me how to raise my kid but they unwillingly give into her and therefore can undo a lot of the parenting I have tried desperately to instill in her. Basic things:
1. Don't talk to strangers: I have complete and random people pick up my kid all the time! Mostly, it's because they think she's lost and she is asking them to pick her up, but still! Would you pick up someone else's kid? Ever?
2. Don't take candy from strangers: My youngest gets so much free stuff, its unbelievable! I know she's adorable and all but there is a reason why I am not giving her any snacks until lunch time. So you, nice lady in the park who thinks you are doing the friendly thing, please don't give my kid goldfish even if she asks for them. I'm trying to teach her that creepers like you might be lacing that stuff with crack and I don't want her to die from stupidly taking food from strangers.
3. Don't fake cry: It's really hard to teach this one considering any time she makes a sad face she gets more attention then Brittany Spears getting out of her car without underwear. I have literally watched her walk into the middle of a crowded room and start to "cry" and every single person there jumps to her aid. Usually by a) picking her up or b) giving her food.
I get that she's cute and adorable and super light and soft and she smells like coconut but at the end of the day she's mine. I have to take her home, I have to undo all the good intended spoiling the community has show her and I have to teach her how the world really works.
You can't cry to get your way, People aren't going to give you things just because your cute and you have to be a willing participant of society to reap the benefits of it. But until every Tom, Dick and Harry stop acting like her grandmother, complete with candies in her pocket, I can't teach her anything!
So, if you want to raise a beautiful baby that looks nothing like you then leave mine alone and go buy your own Nubian Princess!
Like a normal person!
Antenella
 |
| Yes, this white momma is braiding her black babies hair. Deal with it! |
1. People ask me if I babysit?
2. Old people do a lot of open mouthed staring when I walk into a store.
3. There is a lot of confusion among the people around me if she walks more then two feet in front of me.
4. People have asked me where her mom is.
5. People have asked me if I was going to be open with her about her adoption. (I'm pretty sure she's going to figure it out)
6. People have told me that she has my eyes...
7. If my daughters hair is not "did" everyday, inevitably that one day will be the day that I get a dozen business cards from ladies that do "our-kind-of-hair"
8. People ask if I feel like she's really mine... (I don't even know what to make of that one) I usually just tell people "Well, I should hope so! I bought her!"
9. I have seen my 5 year old tell many a child that it is I who is her sisters mother.
10. People ask if she looks like her father... Sometimes I say yes. (What? She could, I don't know...)
Not to mention all the normal questions that you will be answering every single time you are in an area that is shared by any person other then your family. "When did you get her? How does she fit in? Do the other kids accept her? Did you get her from Africa? What are you going to do with her hair? How much did she cost?"
It can start to feel like you are the butt of one bad racist joke after another but really people want to know. I'm amazed at how foreign adoption still is to most people. I don't mind that they ask questions. Really! I love to tell people our story. (Mostly because I love to talk about myself and I do come into this story pretty often) The only time it starts to become daunting is when people around me start to see my youngest daughter as a communal child.
I don't think people are consciously doing this. In fact, it took me a long time to even identify this phenomenon myself! But it is something that I have to deal with everyday of my parenting life.
People don't really see my youngest child for what she is. MY CHILD. She is not a toy, she is not an anomaly, she's not a pet. She is a child. My child and I don't appreciate people thinking that they know better then I do when it comes to her best interests.
Again, it's not like people are trying to be mean or tell me how to raise my kid but they unwillingly give into her and therefore can undo a lot of the parenting I have tried desperately to instill in her. Basic things:
1. Don't talk to strangers: I have complete and random people pick up my kid all the time! Mostly, it's because they think she's lost and she is asking them to pick her up, but still! Would you pick up someone else's kid? Ever?
2. Don't take candy from strangers: My youngest gets so much free stuff, its unbelievable! I know she's adorable and all but there is a reason why I am not giving her any snacks until lunch time. So you, nice lady in the park who thinks you are doing the friendly thing, please don't give my kid goldfish even if she asks for them. I'm trying to teach her that creepers like you might be lacing that stuff with crack and I don't want her to die from stupidly taking food from strangers.
3. Don't fake cry: It's really hard to teach this one considering any time she makes a sad face she gets more attention then Brittany Spears getting out of her car without underwear. I have literally watched her walk into the middle of a crowded room and start to "cry" and every single person there jumps to her aid. Usually by a) picking her up or b) giving her food.
I get that she's cute and adorable and super light and soft and she smells like coconut but at the end of the day she's mine. I have to take her home, I have to undo all the good intended spoiling the community has show her and I have to teach her how the world really works.
You can't cry to get your way, People aren't going to give you things just because your cute and you have to be a willing participant of society to reap the benefits of it. But until every Tom, Dick and Harry stop acting like her grandmother, complete with candies in her pocket, I can't teach her anything!
So, if you want to raise a beautiful baby that looks nothing like you then leave mine alone and go buy your own Nubian Princess!
Like a normal person!
Antenella
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Parenting Advice from Disney
If you are like me and you have children of any age living in your house, then the probability of you being exposed to the Disney phenomena known as "Frozen" is pretty inevitable. This thing is cray cray! I mean, I hear grown adults humming the songs to themselves while standing in line at Publix... without kids! It has become what "The little Mermaid" was to all of us little girls growing up in the 90's. For example:
"Look at this stuff,
Isn't it neat?"
You know you sang those two lines in your head... and now you are desperately trying to keep yourself from singing the song in its entirety at the top of your lungs. (Paola, I give you full permission to do so. Especially if you are within range of my husband.)
Either way, most people have seen, if not heard of frozen and because I'm the biggest dork in the world I get on pintrest and look up every single fan theory that could be circulating about the in's and out's of the characters and why they do the things that they do and so on and so forth. (Don't judge.)
One of the revelations about the movie was that for the first time in a Disney movie, the characters had to deal with mental abuse from the hands of their parents. It talked about how this was a huge step in bringing awareness to the plight of so many children dealing with the emotional scarring of abuse in their very homes. And for a moment, I totally agreed.
In fact when I saw the movie in the theater with all of my kids, I sat wide eyed and slack jawed at the obvious ignorance of these parents that spent their entire screen-time on shaming their eldest daughter for being who she was. I was appalled.
Afterwards, I was shocked by how subtle the injury was to the child. Most people I talked to didn't even notice the slight of hand from the storytellers. Which I think makes the reality of abused children all that more damaging. Especially for emotionally abused children. It goes unnoticed.
Then I had the fortune to read a statement that was a defense of this concept of abuse in the movie. That it wasn't in fact abuse, it was loving but desperate parents who were doing the best they could do with the information that they were given.
Great! So what I'm learning is that not matter what I do, I will inevitably screw up my kids so royally that they could have the potential to send in the second ice age. (Fantastic, as if I wasn't already second guessing every action I take towards my children.)
But I have my own theories. (So take that, pintrest freaks!)
I realize that the second opinion was much more likely. That these parents were just out of their realm of knowledge and they were just operating under the orders of the specialists. (Trolls) They did everything they could as parents and wanted nothing more then to protect their children. Both of them! And if it meant secluding one child from humanity, so be it. (Makes total sense)
This speaks to me as a parent because I have been there.
I have had situations where I am at my wits end and I am told by someone I trust, whether it be a doctor, a teacher or a friend; to do one thing or another for my child and to just stick to it. Do not give in. Stay strong. Stay consistent. Does any of this sound familiar to you? Whether it was potty training or dealing with a biter, we've all been told the same thing. Pick a form of discipline and stick to it. Well, guess what.
We've been lied to!
Just like Elsa's parents, we believe that our child will learn the same way everyone else child learned and some times that's just not the case!
I have learned the hard way that parenting isn't broken up into "correct" and "downright wrong" categories. In reality, the concept of "correct" parenting have changed so dramatically in so few years that the moral compass is permanently skewed if not completely destroyed. (Remember the paddle in school? Yeah, not so much anymore.)
So, who is the judge of what is the right form of teaching/disciple/raising our children? Is it our doctor? (Lets see how many people agree/disagree with vaccines). Baby books? I would have to say no, since most of the ones I've read make me wonder if the authors have ever even seen a child. What about your parents? ...Stop laughing...
The point I'm trying to make is that there is no "Right" way of parenting when it comes to our children! Parenting is a constant changing game of chance. Something what works one way for one child may not translate for the next one. So what if your baby books say that "getting down on their level" is the only safe and efficient course of discipline", if it doesn't work, It doesn't matter.
We have to be willing to change our perspective, our actions our preconceived notions of what we think is the best and only way of parenting. And damn what other people think!
Before I had children I had a list of things I would never do or say to them. "That wouldn't fly in my house!" was a constant mantra of mine, until... that is, I actually had a child. Now, most anything flies in my house. Because if one thing doesn't work, I'm willing to try anything else!
But what does this have to do with our new favorite disney movie?
I believe that the actions of the parents were nothing less then abusing but I don't believe that the crimes of the parents were emotional abuse. I believe it was self indulgence. Their concern of looking like unfit parents is whats really to blame. It was their unwillingness to look outside themselves in fear of what others would think that stopped them from truly helping their daughter.
Closing all the doors and windows, allowing only a limited amount of people in and out of their lives was their idea of protecting their children. Keeping everything inside, hiding their true selves from the world. Don't we do this as parents... sometimes? Trying to look like we have it all together?
Whether they realized it or not, these loving and concerned parents were modeling the very thing that was keeping their eldest so fearful and therefore, dangerous. They were pretending to be something they weren't. Unwilling to change the status quo, all for the sake of their children. But was it really what was best for them?
Anyone with eyes could see that neither one of their children were thriving. They weren't even happy. They were just existing and it was the parents unwillingness to show transparency that caused the emotional turmoil to their family.
The reason parenting is hard is because it is the ultimate death-to-self. In order to do our job properly we have to empty all that we are and then be willing to fill back up with ideas and theories that are not our own. Because if we don't, we will fail to grow, to learn and accept that the world may be different then we had originally imagined.
But most importantly, we have to learn to ignore the voice that says: "What will people think?"
We are the best parents that can raise our children. Let us not let the influence of outside voices keep us from doing anything and everything for the sake of loving and protecting our children.
We can all glean a little parenting advice from the masterminds at Disney. Maybe in order to keep our relationships with our own children from turning into a frozen wasteland, we should first learn to...
let it go.
(see what I did there?)
Antenella
"Look at this stuff,
Isn't it neat?"
 |
| Wish I could be... |
Either way, most people have seen, if not heard of frozen and because I'm the biggest dork in the world I get on pintrest and look up every single fan theory that could be circulating about the in's and out's of the characters and why they do the things that they do and so on and so forth. (Don't judge.)
One of the revelations about the movie was that for the first time in a Disney movie, the characters had to deal with mental abuse from the hands of their parents. It talked about how this was a huge step in bringing awareness to the plight of so many children dealing with the emotional scarring of abuse in their very homes. And for a moment, I totally agreed.
In fact when I saw the movie in the theater with all of my kids, I sat wide eyed and slack jawed at the obvious ignorance of these parents that spent their entire screen-time on shaming their eldest daughter for being who she was. I was appalled.
Afterwards, I was shocked by how subtle the injury was to the child. Most people I talked to didn't even notice the slight of hand from the storytellers. Which I think makes the reality of abused children all that more damaging. Especially for emotionally abused children. It goes unnoticed.
 |
| Uh uh |
Great! So what I'm learning is that not matter what I do, I will inevitably screw up my kids so royally that they could have the potential to send in the second ice age. (Fantastic, as if I wasn't already second guessing every action I take towards my children.)
But I have my own theories. (So take that, pintrest freaks!)
I realize that the second opinion was much more likely. That these parents were just out of their realm of knowledge and they were just operating under the orders of the specialists. (Trolls) They did everything they could as parents and wanted nothing more then to protect their children. Both of them! And if it meant secluding one child from humanity, so be it. (Makes total sense)
This speaks to me as a parent because I have been there.
I have had situations where I am at my wits end and I am told by someone I trust, whether it be a doctor, a teacher or a friend; to do one thing or another for my child and to just stick to it. Do not give in. Stay strong. Stay consistent. Does any of this sound familiar to you? Whether it was potty training or dealing with a biter, we've all been told the same thing. Pick a form of discipline and stick to it. Well, guess what.
We've been lied to!
Just like Elsa's parents, we believe that our child will learn the same way everyone else child learned and some times that's just not the case!
I have learned the hard way that parenting isn't broken up into "correct" and "downright wrong" categories. In reality, the concept of "correct" parenting have changed so dramatically in so few years that the moral compass is permanently skewed if not completely destroyed. (Remember the paddle in school? Yeah, not so much anymore.)
So, who is the judge of what is the right form of teaching/disciple/raising our children? Is it our doctor? (Lets see how many people agree/disagree with vaccines). Baby books? I would have to say no, since most of the ones I've read make me wonder if the authors have ever even seen a child. What about your parents? ...Stop laughing...
The point I'm trying to make is that there is no "Right" way of parenting when it comes to our children! Parenting is a constant changing game of chance. Something what works one way for one child may not translate for the next one. So what if your baby books say that "getting down on their level" is the only safe and efficient course of discipline", if it doesn't work, It doesn't matter.
We have to be willing to change our perspective, our actions our preconceived notions of what we think is the best and only way of parenting. And damn what other people think!
Before I had children I had a list of things I would never do or say to them. "That wouldn't fly in my house!" was a constant mantra of mine, until... that is, I actually had a child. Now, most anything flies in my house. Because if one thing doesn't work, I'm willing to try anything else!
But what does this have to do with our new favorite disney movie?
I believe that the actions of the parents were nothing less then abusing but I don't believe that the crimes of the parents were emotional abuse. I believe it was self indulgence. Their concern of looking like unfit parents is whats really to blame. It was their unwillingness to look outside themselves in fear of what others would think that stopped them from truly helping their daughter.
Closing all the doors and windows, allowing only a limited amount of people in and out of their lives was their idea of protecting their children. Keeping everything inside, hiding their true selves from the world. Don't we do this as parents... sometimes? Trying to look like we have it all together?
Whether they realized it or not, these loving and concerned parents were modeling the very thing that was keeping their eldest so fearful and therefore, dangerous. They were pretending to be something they weren't. Unwilling to change the status quo, all for the sake of their children. But was it really what was best for them?
Anyone with eyes could see that neither one of their children were thriving. They weren't even happy. They were just existing and it was the parents unwillingness to show transparency that caused the emotional turmoil to their family.
The reason parenting is hard is because it is the ultimate death-to-self. In order to do our job properly we have to empty all that we are and then be willing to fill back up with ideas and theories that are not our own. Because if we don't, we will fail to grow, to learn and accept that the world may be different then we had originally imagined.
But most importantly, we have to learn to ignore the voice that says: "What will people think?"
We are the best parents that can raise our children. Let us not let the influence of outside voices keep us from doing anything and everything for the sake of loving and protecting our children.
let it go.
(see what I did there?)
Antenella
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)