Mommy Fail #657

This story isn't even mine but it is completely and unequivocally true.  It was passed on by my sister closest to me in age and I feel that the tale rings with the echo of authenticity.  I shall now venture to relay to you what was so candidly repeated to me.

One blissful day some time in summer, it must have been around the seventh month for the World Cup had commenced and the competition was still in its infancy.  On a warm but overcast afternoon I found myself in a very precarious situation.  The game was on, the beer was cold and I had a very trusted person to watch all of my rambunctious children.

As it was, it didn't take a lot of encouragement to forget my woes in not only the bottom of my beer bottle but also at the height of spectating the great game of futball.  (that's soccer for all you Americans)

It was only in the finally moments of the match did I realize how I had failed as a mother to my children and I didn't even have the privilege to be witness to the depravity of my young miniatures.

My sister, having spent only a mere hour or so with my children then process to tell me this story of great shame.

What had happened was...

My sister decides that since her boyfriend and I were watching the game that she would take the three kids to the park not even half a block away.  Sure enough, the kids are ecstatic at the opportunity to play in a park they haven't already gotten sick of.  So together they walked to the local park on the corner of the strip.

As she walks with them, she tries to ramp them up and tells them all about the awesomeness that is this new park.  "It's got a rocking horse and swings and this climbing tower that's at least two stories high!"

All my kids are euphoric by the time the get to the corner.  Their eyes are alight, their mouths practically panting in anticipation, my oldest was jumping up and down...

My Sis: "Are you ready to go to the park?"
Kids: "Yes!!!"
My Sis: "Are you sure?"
Kids: "Yes!!!!!"
My Sis:  "Are you super sure?"
Kids: "YES!!!"
My Sis:  "Okay lets turn the corner... There it is!"

And as my two oldest stand with gapping mouths at the wonder that is this new glistening park, my youngest decides to show her enthusiasm by shout, at the top of her lungs...

"WHAT THE FUUUUUUU**!!!"

My sister just stares at her for a moment while my youngest just beams with excitement.

My Sis:  "What did you say?"
My youngest: "What the FUUUUU**!!!"
My Sis: "Hmm, yeah.  That's what I thought you said.  Yeah, we're not allowed to say that."
My youngest: "What the f**k?"
My Sis:  "Yeah, we're not supposed to say that... Even if we are excited.  Instead, we should just say Yay!"
My youngest: "YAYAYAYAYYAAYYAAAY!!"

and off she went to play.

...

See, you're not doing so bad.  After all, it's not your child that has gotten so used to the eff word that she now recognizes it as a term of euphoric expression.

Antenella

Five Years Old

I feel like I have been waiting for my kids to go to school from the moment I popped those suckers out at the hospital, and yet here I am... A new mom of a Kindergartener.  Oh Lordy!  The Feels people!! The feels!

Sunday night as I was lying in bed with my husband and the house was finally quiet and the hush and anticipation of the first day of school started to drift into light snoring, I finally broke into sobs.

Now, for anyone who knows me, you know that crying is a daily occurrence.  In fact, if I can't scratch  "Nervous break down" off my to-do list of the day, I just haven't be active.  But this was different.  I opened my mouth and out spilled all the "what if's" that could possibly happen to my little girl on her first day of school and I panicked.

What if the bus doesn't pick her up on time?
What if she can't get to her class?
What if the kids make fun of the way she talks?
What if she's too afraid to ask to go to the bathroom?
What if the teacher doesn't like her?
What if she doesn't like her teacher?
What if the kids gang up on her? Or exclude her? Or tease her?
What if she can't find her classroom?
What if she can't find her bus?
What if she gets on the wrong bus?
What if she gets on the right bus but at the wrong stop?
What if the bus driver makes her get off at some random stop in the middle of the ghetto all by herself because he has a schedule to keep and she's holding him up and he throws her off the bus?  How in the world am I supposed to find HER!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

...

I literally woke up in a cold sweat two nights before school started with this exact list playing through  my dream until the horror bolted me upright in my bed.....

As I was sobbing to my husband that Sunday night before school he reached over and squeezed my shoulder, giving me the most encouraging word a mother could ask for:

Hubby: Are you crying because you are worried for your little girl to go to school?
Me nodding like a five year old.  Tears streaming down my face.
Hubby:  Oh, Pumpkin!  I didn't know you had it in you!  Oh!  You really do care for our kids, don't you?

...

Ah yes, the consoling words of my wise husband are matched by none.

In all fairness, he did have a point.  I mean... I'm not exactly the over concerned parent.  I would even venture to say that to most, I would probably be borderline aloof when it comes to my kiddos.  Mostly because, I work very hard to not get anxious over the safety of my children.  I, daily, have to put my trust in something greater.  I alone can never protect these kids enough.  I have to trust my surroundings, I have to trust my child's judgment, I have to trust that the majority of people are just as concerned for my children as I am and mostly, I have to stop the cycle of anxious thinking in it's tracks before it can sow seeds of doubt and fear into my parenting.

Because once that happens... Whew!  I'll be second guessing everything I do and you know...

With that being said, I realized that the reason I was so distraught was because for the first time, the very first time, my child was going to have an entire day of decision making all on her own.  I won't be there to guide her at any step of the way.  She will go from 7:30am-2:40pm (at least that's when the bus is supposed to drop her off... that's a blog for another time) with out a single solitary word of advice, correction or encouragement.

I realized...

I can't protect her anymore.  At 5 years old she has to learn to be in control of herself.  Five seems so young.  But I remember being five.  I wasn't five in my head.  I was me, in my head.  Always the same voice and I thought I was big at five years old.

So, when I saw her smiling face beaming at me from the bus window as I came to pick her up at the bus stop I realized something...

She wasn't the newborn I brought home from the hospital in her head. She was her.  Same voice always and she thought she was big at five years old and it turns out...

She was.

#stillgoingstrong

Seriously, It's going to be Christmas again and my kids are going to be just as obsessed with the Frozen Phenomenon as there where when it first showed its diabolical face on the big screen.  But with it being summer in south Florida, having a few ice creating magical powers would be a bonus.

Hope you enjoy the newest rendition of my son and I doing our very first duet.  With many more to come....
Hopefully.

Frozen's Open Door Performed by my son and I

Mothers of One

It's the last week of school and my mother has allowed my youngest daughter to go with her to school all week!  This means that yesterday both my girls were in school and it was just me and my son home alone for some mommy/son time.  During this magical time of having a single child home with me you would think that my stress level would have been at a bare minimum.   Seriously!  How hard can it be with one?

.....

I'm sorry.  I'm so sorry.  I take back every bad thing I ever thought when I heard a mother of one talk about how all consuming parenting is.  I'm sorry for all the eye rolling and knowing smirks I flashed in the direction of a mother of one about to lose her shmit in the middle of Publix.  I take back every judgmental and critical thought I have ever had, even if it was just for a split second that made parenting a single child any easier then parenting a brood.

I have three kids and after spending just the morning with my opinionated, demanding, emotionally psychotic three year old; you could not pay me enough to be a mother of one.  That shit is hard!!  I forgot.  I mean really, I forgot how all consuming it is.  There are no breaks, no distractions, no other noise even except for the constant stream of conscious thought spewing from the lips of my son like a foun't that over-floweth. 

As a mother of one, you become the soul entertainer, party planner, caterer and playmate of your child.  There is nothing to distract them from following you to the bathroom, the kitchen, your bedroom.  Have you ever walked into another room and forgot what it was you came in for so you spin around quick to leave the way you came and you trip over a toddler because they apparently can't survive being more then a foot away from you at all.  Possible.  Moments.  Of TIME?

Welcome to the life of a mother of one.

Not only was the attention consistently on me but if for what ever reason my attention strayed even for a second my son would grab my face and look into my eyes asking "What did I say?  Are you listening?" in his best "mom" voice he could muster.  Of course, I was listening to the first 100 times you said that you liked "Mighty Machines" and I just assumed that the next 50 times were more for the collective consciousness and didn't actually warrant a response.  

...

I was wrong.  Every little thing that came out of his mouth was of dire importance that needed nothing but undivided attention... and I can almost understand this.  I mean, he is three, after all and the world is kind of a magical place right now and he honestly never gets any time by himself with me EVER!  So I tried to be as patient as possible ...

But when he would interrupt my responses to his questions in order to feed me the lines he wanted, as if he was the overbearing director of Hamlet, I started to feel like more of a sounding board as opposed to an equal in conversation.

Needless to say, I dropped the girls off at school at 9:00am and by 11:00am we magically found ourselves at the nearest playground just so I could get a mental break, even in the 98 degree florida summer heat!...

So here's to you momma's!  Here's to all of you that are struggling to keep their single child at bay while simultaneously trying to cling to your sanity.  Here's to playgrounds and splash parks and Pintrest projects.  Here's to playdates and movie nights and little gyms.  Here's to basically anything that even resembles entertainment for more then 15 minutes.  You ladies are soldiers!!    And I only have one bit of advice for clinging to sanity...

Have more children...

Antenella

What I learned by being "Less Then"

I have recently started doing some volunteer work at my church and a few things have come to my attention through this whole experience.  1) I'm shocked that anyone in this entire facility thought I would be something other then a liability to the good name of my church, 2) I forgot what it felt like to be a real person and 3)  I have actually learned a lot by being a stay-at-home mom.

Although I could do a whole blog entry on just observation number 1, I would like to focus more on the revelations of 2 and 3.  I forgot what it feels like to be a real person and even thought this statement sounds negative in its own right.  It makes me realize that without it, I could never truly understand what it means to be a "real person" in the first place.

My life consists of two things: Crying and not being good enough... for anyone.  I don't say this in the deprecating way that it might sound.  I say it more as a matter-of-fact.  It's not a good thing or a bad thing it, just is.  Most of the time I am not good enough.  Not that I am useless but that I just can't live up to the unrealistic expectations of the three people I associate myself with the most.  In order to make these people happy I would in fact, have to be God Himself.

Because....

It is impossible to fill a water bottle at the refrigerator and help someone wipe their butt in the bathroom.  It is also an impossibility to "magic" special toys out of thin air along with changing the music on pandora while simultaneously handing goldfish to the child in the very back seat of your mini van without involving a head on collision.  Some things are just not humanly possible no matter how much you want them to be.

So it's not that I feel less then adequate its more that I feel unreal all together.  I am more of a half person, half inanimate object that gets yelled at for just being.  I am less then a servant and more like a slave and I can't quit, I can't write to my union, I get even get compensated by a pay raise.  I just have to live day in and day out with being a "less then" person.

It's not bad, in fact, its pretty great most of the time.  No one actually expects quality work from you and you can totally be late and no body cares because they are just impressed you arrived at all!  This leads me to the 3rd revelation, that I have actually learned a lot by being a "less then" person otherwise known as a stay-at-home mom.

There are a few indisputable truths that have dominated a lot of my thoughts since transitioning into a professional environment.  Even though it is only a small amount of volunteer time I have already realized how much the working world would benefit from having a "Less then" person in there mists. In the wise words of Adele, we can "Lay your sh*t bare", if you will.

1) Stop whining:  You know what's more irritating then a toddler whining?  An adult whining.  Whether it's about not getting your copies done in time for your meeting or the office coffee not being hot enough, it's still annoying to listen too.  Unfortunately, office whining is a lot like retelling of your  night time dreams:  Nobody wants to hear it but you.

Are you complaining again?

2) No one likes a tattle-tail:  This is a hard one because in preschool it is strongly discouraged to tattle-tail but as an adult it is practically a right of passage.  All we want to do is commiserate how offended we are by one thoughtless action or another of a fellow coworker or friend or family member.  But the reality is, if you got a problem with someone, you gotta go talk to them about it; not everybody else!  Which is a beautiful little Segway into number 3...

3)  No one wants to deal with your crap:  Complaining is only acceptable if your going to make it funny.  (This is how I get away with this one)  Unless it's funny, it's just a great big downer.  My daughter is notorious for this.  "Life is so hard!  My mother is so unfair!  You don't even understand how ridiculous everyone is being because they won't let me go swimming in the pool when I just made a big stink about my ear infection and my mom just paid 50 bucks for medication to make it better.  Life is so unfair!!"  Yeah, that's kind of what we sound like as adults as well...

4) Take a nap:  Forget office living how about for life in general!  How much of our problems would be rectified if we just got enough sleep as opposed to barely getting any at all?

Not at your desk!  Go to your car like a normal person!

5)  Watch where you're going!:  It is embarrassing how often my kids walk into walls or doors or parked cars because they are just not looking where they are going.  That's a lot like what we do as adults.  We can get so wrapped up in numbers 1-4 that we forget that there is actually work that has to be done and a week goes by and nothing is accomplished and is just tacked onto the next work week. Next thing you know we are swimming in responsibility that should have been corrected a week ago!

and lastly...

6)  You are not the boss!  (Unless, you are then this doesn't apply to you so much)  I'm the mom so I'm the boss and some times I make decisions that are stupid and inefficient and frustrating and sometimes my kids try to point this out to me and sometimes I don't care, because I'm the boss and they have do what I say!  It's usually sooner then later that I realize for myself that my ideas were stupid and inefficient and frustrating.  But, do you want to be right, or sent to your room for a time out?  Sometimes we just have to swallow that pill and wait for the powers that be to figure it out, because that's their job... not mine.

I think I made a mistake..
How do I fix this without the pee-ons finding out.

I'm not even sure if this is making the connection that I am hoping it will but let me just end by saying that I have learned more about patience, time management, problem solving and professionalism in the past 5 years of being home with my kids then I ever could have learned in the work force and I think I am a better employ because of it.

I'm smiling because I have vodka!

Just as long as they don't find out about my drinking habit...


Antenella

Wisdom of Strangers

Today I was reminded of why I am so grateful that I am such an obnoxious talker.  If you've ever had any kind of a conversation with me (or sat in the next booth over from me while I was talking) you would know that it is one of my most favorite things to do.  I especially love to complain about my children.  Not because they are really terrible but because half of the stuff that they do, you just couldn't make up!

When I was younger I would be known to embellish my stories to make them more interesting.  It wasn't lying.  I just figure, why let the truth get in the way of a good story?  But now I feel like the boy who cried wolf because everyone just assumes I'm exaggerating!

Alas...

Now as a parent, I have been known to talk (and blog) about the shenanigans my children pull with just about anyone.  My mom, my friends, the poor women stuck in the check-out line next to me.  But today I was talking with one of the moms who son is in the same classroom as my son.

We were both watching from the doorway as her son started to lift a jar of lemonade off of the table in order to pour himself a glass.  Did I mention that this was a three year old class?  Both of us looked on at the impending doom, letting a sigh escape our lips.

"That's not going to end pretty," She says to me.
"At least he's in the classroom so, technically it won't be a mess that you'll have to clean up." I reply.
"Yeah," She sighed again. "I just feel bad, that they'll have to clean it up at all."
"You think that's bad, let me tell you what my daughter did yesterday."

I then proceeded to tell her about "the Incident of the 7th of March", where (long story short) my youngest daughter decided that she would rather urinate all over herself in the middle of Walgreens then follow my direction.  Yes, my daughter peed herself to spite me...

When I told this wonderful women, who also has an adopted child, about my plight I asked her, "Is that normal?  Do I have to put her back in therapy?  Is she going to be a psychotic serial killer when she gets older?"

Maybe she'd be a better mom?

 The beautiful, compassionate and super smart women looked at me like I had three heads and said,
"No!  Of course not!  That is totally normal!  She's three right?"

So she told me all the terrors of the three-year-old's and how they are way worse then two-years-old's and she will totally grow out of it and that it's just their nature.  She's totally fine and no, that is not weird at all.

"Really?"  I asked breathlessly as a ray of hope burst from my chest.  "I'm not totally, royally screwing her up?"

"Of course not!"

I can't tell you how much better I feel.  Its as if a weight has been lifted and I can stand tall once more.  When ever I have these battle of wills with my children I always seem to come out of them worst for wear and honestly, I don't know if my heart can take it anymore.

I second guess myself, I wonder if it's something that needs to be fixed with medication.  What if it's because she's adopted and its in her DNA and the horror stories of adopted children killing their parents in their sleep start washing over me and I wonder if maybe I can't just fix it with love and discipline after all!!!

She seems so normal...

But because I can't keep my mouth shut, I shared my fears, the Lord heard my cry and He sent me this spectacular women in white that was able to banish my fears and get back on the horse of parenting.

But what if I wasn't open about my struggles?  What if, because of my mortification, I just kept it all inside? (Like a normal person)  What if I just allowed my thoughts to consume me, thinking over and over again of the altercation that will be forever know as "the Incident of the 7th of May".

I can tell you exactly what would have happened!  My nerves would have wrecked me from the inside out and I would be weaker in the next battle of wills with my children and then maybe they would win the next one.

They mustn't win.  Ever.  I must break their spirits!  Molding them in to the well behaved, willing members of society that I know they can become!

All of this to say, don't be afraid to share you failings because maybe your very failing was another moms victory and she can tell you what the battle looks and feels like on the other side.  She will be able to paint a picture of normalcy and acceptance and triumph and maybe...

you can ride on her coat-tails until you have victories of your own.

Antenella

I Heart Disney World

YAY!!!  i hate you...

I know that I have done a few posts about the evils of Disney World but it just never gets old so here's another one!  Don't get me wrong, I love all things Disney.  When planning our trip I'm super excited and I can't wait to get going and I count down the days with the kids on the calendar and then the day finally arrives... and, Bam!  I get a wicked dose of reality and I remember that Disney World sucks now that I have kids to share it with.

Disney World is magical and beautiful and everything works properly and the "cast members" all treat you with respect and dignity even though everyone knows that you totally surrendered your dignity back in Tomorrow land when you pushed over a 7 year old to make sure your son got a pic with Buzz Lightyear.  ( It really is the most magical place on earth.)  but most of the time you are too hot and sweaty and tired and cranky to really enjoy any of it.

Where's my martini?!?!

The kids are crying for ice cream, they are way over excited and exhausted because of it and all you wanna do is go back to the hotel and drink until tomorrow.  But then you remember you have your kids with you and no one to watch them.  yay.

All complaining aside, this time was different.  This time was awesome!!  I don't know if it was because my kids were just better behaved then normal, (hahahahaha) or maybe it was because for the first time, we didn't have to be dragging a stroller, two back packs, a cooler full of breastmilk and a "plastic bag for wet things" along with three kids under the age of 5 around an amusement park.  Not very amusing...

I'm thinking it might have something to do with the latter.

So I am here to give you hope!  If you are ever able and willing to plan a trip to the most magical place on earth and it's terrible, it will get better.  There is a reason why children 2 and under are free.  It's because they will hate it!

It's hot, and loud, and way to visually over stimulating and every 20 minutes the music comes blaring over the speakers to announce one parade or show after the other.  It's just magically exhausting.

Not only did I not have to lug half our house with us this trip but my kids are now old enough that they don't get exhausted every 3 hours.  They go all.... day..!  Normally, this makes me want to slit my writs,  (calm down, it's just side to side so you know I'm just doing it for attention) But in Disney World, this is a must!  Do not bring your kids if they still nap.  Trust me, it will be torturous.

Allow me to give you a snapshot:

We finally made it!  Nap time!

By the time you get up, get them ready, have breakfast, pull your double stroller onto the magic disney bus that brings you right to the magic kingdom, get through security and actually scan your magic band to get into the park your precious-super-excited three year old that wanted nothing more then to go to Disney World, will be ready for a nap.  So just go ahead and park anywhere on main street for the next three hours since your child will be fast asleep in her stroller.

Next thing that made this trip more enjoyable was the fact that my kids don't have to eat every 30 minutes.  Thank the Lord my youngest had a "hoarding" issue that had to be rectified with therapy or we would never have learned our lesson.  My children, like most, ate like birds.  Literally, every 30 minutes I would be shoving goldfish into their tiny mouths just to keep them quite.

I know the idea is to get them to eat healthy snacks, like apples and carrot sticks every 20 minutes but lets be honest, i'm just feeding my kids as many packages of goldfish or cheese-its it takes to get through "It's a Small World".

But since my kids weren't perpetually hungry, I didn't have to stop every 15 minutes to get them a sandwich or a mickey Ice cream or a Turkey leg from Frontier Land.  Lets just say that this simple fact did not only saved my sanity but also my pocketbook.

Dumbo, much more our speed.

Also, my kids weren't scared of any of the rides!  That's a new one.  Usually someone complains about not wanting to go on a ride.  This in turns means that my husband and I have to split up while one watches the Debbie-Downer and the other gets to wait in line in the air conditioned "Pirates of the Caribbean".  Inevitably, someone feels like they got the shorter end of the stick and sometimes its both.

Family Vacations are awesome!!

Needless to say, Disney World is a completely different animal when your kids are just a little bit older!  Granted, I don't think its a coincidence that the very age that your children start to be awesome fun in the parks is also the same time you have to pay upward of $100 for their entry...

But if you're looking for the best time in the Disney Parks?
...
get a sitter and leave the kids at home!

Antenella