All of you know that I have the most amazing friends imaginable. (Yes, I am talking about you) and some times those said friends write something magical that I just have to share with everyone!! This comes from a beautiful, talented and all things awesome friend that is close to my heart. (And not just because she can make a mean Martini)
After hearing about all my craziness with three, this is her struggles as a mother of one. The grass is always greener on the other side, but it's usually because its covered in poop.
Enjoy!
Antenella
"Is he your only one?"
These are the words I dread to hear more than any others. As an only child who is a mother to an only child, I hear these things on a daily basis. From every “well intended” mother/father/grandparent in all of the southern hemisphere. If you are young and healthy the only acceptable option is to HAVE MORE KIDS. Not being able to conceive or aging out all together is the ONLY acceptable excuse to not procreate. Since I find this unacceptable, I have complied a list of the most common and annoying approaches that people have used on me over the last two years just to show how ludicrous the logic is...
#1) The "Ticking Biological Clock": Apparently every old woman with red lipstick on her teeth can hear my Biological Clock Ticking. They can never hear me when I'm asking them to move out of the middle of the aisle at Publix. But my ticking ovaries come in loud and clear (must be picked up by their hearing aid).
Old Lady: “Awe, How old is he?”
Me: “insert age here” (however the age does not matter in the least)
Old Lady: “ Time for another one.”
I am so glad everyone else knows so much about my uterus. I am so sorry I have offended you by my lack of pregnant belly!
#2) "Time for a Girl": From the second my child showed his penis to the world, I have heard this brand of bullshit. I barely had my vagina stitched back together when the nurses at the hospital started this sentiment. It has since continued from the moment I fastened my "fat pants" and left the hospital:
Typical Girl Mom: “ Girls are the best!”
Me: “Those hair bows must be tuff to keep track of.” (Are they really fucking wearing matching outfits?)
Typical Girl Mom (in matching outfit): “ Well you have a son until he takes a wife, but you have a daughter for life.”
This one makes me want to open up a can of whoop ass on this matching bitch. So what you get to go shopping and buy pretty pink tutu’s. I get to dig in the dirt and follow the trash truck around the neighborhood. I love my son more than I love breathing. So to insinuate that having a boy is not a lifelong relationship breaks my heart. Don’t ever say this to a “Boy Mom” (even if you think it is true.) EVER!
#3) The "Pregnancy Route": Every mother really just wants to tell you about her pregnancy/birth story. I am guilty of this (I believe it is a right of passage). But these clever devils weave it into a conversation and then BAM, they switch it on you!
Coach Diaper Bag Mom: “Being in such good shape, you must have had the easiest pregnancy?” (They suck you in with compliments)
Me: Actually I was really sick for like 20 weeks and I never stopped throwing up.
Coach Diaper Bag Mom: “Well that shouldn’t stop you from getting pregnant again. Every pregnancy if different, my 1st, 2nd, 3rd pregnancy, blah, blah, blah.”
Aggggh Really?????? And what if it isn’t perfect the second time around? Are you going to come to my job and teach twenty 4 year olds, while I am puking my guts out in the corner in a trashcan? Or maybe I could use your COACH diaper bag if I get the urge.
#4) "Two Kids Are Easier" Approach: Parents of multiple children love to tell you that having another one will make your life easier. Because they play together, take care of each other etc…
Suit Dad at Starbucks: “Is he your only one?”
Me: “Yup” (here it comes, dads always say funny shit)
Suit Dad at Starbucks: “You have to have another one, they will entertain each other.”
This one sounds so logical right? I believe this one is a conspiracy cooked up by parents of multiple children to get parents to unwittingly join their club. You know, the “Misery Loves Company” saying... yeah...
How often do their kids really play NICELY with each other? Because doing everything I do for my kid all day long times 2, will be easier? Sure it will dad at Starbucks who get to go to his job all day, while his wife watches her children play together "nicely"….
#5) "Only Children Are Selfish": WTF. I am an only child, and have lots of not so great qualities but none of them is because I am an only child. Because I don’t have siblings I can’t comment on how wonderful that relationship is, however, I never grew up thinking I had missed out because I am an "only". But it doesn't stop the GUILT…
Frumpy Mom (in my lobby): “You are going to give your son a sibling one day?’ (Is this a question or a command?)
Me: “I think we are done, I am an only child and look how great I turned out.”
Frumpy Mom (in my lobby): “The greatest gift I ever gave my children is each other.”
Me: “This is so sweet.” (You know what's sweeter? If you'd PAY your tuition bitch)
Frumpy Mom (in my lobby): “Sometimes only children think the world revolves around them, you know.”
Me: “Time for class kiddos, let’s Dance!”
This one cuts especially deep. I feel like society thinks that I am selfish and continuing the trend for denying my son a sibling. Because having a sibling automatically makes you an unselfish person? I hope to teach my son that the world does not revolve around him. And more importantly that not paying for your kids classes makes YOU the selfish asshole.
I've come to realize that being a mom of an only child does not make you a bad person. Nor does it mean you couldn’t “cut it” as a parent. No one should be pressured or made to feel bad for having one child. My son will always be the greatest accomplishment of my life. Having him completed our little family. So my new response for all of the nosey people,
“I stopped at perfection.”
-Happy Mom of One
