"All Dogs go to Heaven"

If your like me the best thing to ever happen to you was Netflix.  Mostly because of that two hours break in the PBS scheduling that happens between 1 and 3pm.  (As soon as Charlie Rose comes on, it's all over)  And since my precious three year old doesn't nap... Let me rephrase that.  Since my precious three year old will come into our room up to seven times between the hours 11-3am, I don't let her take a nap durning the day.  And since there is no nap, there is no break to get all the important things done.  Like, laundry, sweeping the floors, washing the windows... Who am I kidding, I really mean things like checking my Facebook and youtube without having to jump up and do something every 15 seconds*.  Netflix has saved my sanity on a number of occasions during the hours of 1pm-3pm.  (side note:  Before I had kids I promised myself that I would not be one of those moms that had the t.v going all the time.  I said that wouldn't fly in my house.  It turns out that a since adding kids, a lot of things "fly" in this house.)

Anyway, I was perusing Netflix and I just could not bring myself to watch "Swan Princess", "H20" or Dora.  (shutter)  So when "All dogs go to heaven" came past my scanning eye.  I thought, "I loved this movie as a kid!" and really, how bad could it be?  Sure, it's Don Bluth and he's always been on the darker side of animation, but come on!  Its full of dogs and a cute little girl and I'm remember something about a cute pink angel dog in heaven.  So the movie we play!  It can't be worse then Barney.

O...M...G...  This thing should come with some kinda parental warning!  Have you seen "All dogs go to Heaven"?!  If you haven't, you must (just not with the kids awake) just so you know I'm not exaggerating when I tell you, it's a gangster movie.  Let me set the stage.  The opening scene is a jail break complete with shotguns blowing stuff up right next to the main characters (Charlie) head.  Next, we make it back to the heart of the bayou where Charlie and his partner Car-face (yeah, Car-face) have their casino.  Turns out Car-face had Charlie framed so he'd be killed on death row and is not happy to see him back since he doesn't want to have to split the earning of the casino.  Which, is in fact 50/50.  So, naturally, he has him killed.  Not just popped off by a drive-by or anything, no.  He has Charlie over to "celebrate" his freedom, gets him wasted and then sends him out to the end of the pier where he releases the break on a truck parked on a hill above the pier, sending the truck and Charlie into the swamp!  Did I mention that this was under "kids movies like Dreamworks"?

Oh, you think, this is just the set up.  It will get better.  There is that cute little girl after all.  Oh yes, she is there but not before, Charlie goes to heaven and decides it's too boring and predictable for him.  By the way the only reason he even makes it to heaven is the soul reason that "all dogs go to heaven"  They are just naturally good and loyal.  So apparently, if you're a gambling, drinking, cheating, SOB you get to go to heaven just because your a dog.  (That's even more upsetting then saying he accepted Jesus before he died!)**

So Charlie pulls his half dead body out of the bayou and finds his friend and this little girl that can talk to animals.  It turns out that the little girl, Anne-marie; is an orphan and has been held hostage against her will by non other then Car-face.  Now when Charlie finds her your thinking, "Finally!  A redeeming quality about Charlie"  But, alas.  You would be wrong.  He breaks her out with the only reason being that he can get her to ask the horses at the race track who is going to win the race so they can bet on the winning horse.  (she talks to animals, but they can't talk to each other.  Different languages after all)  All the while, all Anne-Marie wants to find is a family and be loved by somebody.  Anybody!  Even Charlie!  Really I just found it a cinematic statement about how unstable women just find themselves involved with terrible men to fill the void of the love they lacked as children.  Complete with a scene where she has her bags packed and is threatening to leave Charlie in the middle of the casino she helped build.  Awkward.

Anyway, this is taking way to long.  Charlie dreams he dies once more and goes to hell.  (That's a really fun scene that my daughter got to sit through that involved the devil and demonic beings being birthed from his maw).  Anne-marie finds out what a cheating SOB Charlie really is.  Charlie's best friend is beaten an inch from his life by Car-face's gang when they find out Charlie started a competing casino, and in the end Anne-Marie gets sick and is literally on her death bed.  The only thing that redeems Charlie at all is that he eventually chooses her life over his.  (But not without trying really hard to make it out alive)  He dies and goes to hell for real this time.  But fortunately is saved from eternal damnation by his one heroic effort.

...

Wow...
It makes it sound a little ridiculous that parents are all up in arms against Disney because there movies revolve around magic.  So the next time you think back with nostalgia on those cartoons you loved as a kid.  Make sure you watch them first before you set your impressionable three year old down in front of the tv.

Antenella


*There's that sitting still issue again.
**This is supposed to be funny, please don't get on your spiritual soap box and tell me how biblically wrong I am.  I already know.

What the Hola is up with Dora?

What the !hola is up with Dora?  Dora and her espanol!  Before I start my rant I just want to set up my disclaimer.  I understand that kids love Dora.  In fact your kid may love Dora.  My kid is obsessed with Dora.  I understand that this is a perfectly good way to get kids to learn another language and it keeps their attention and it's good for their education and blah blah blah.

But seriously?  Could she be any more obnoxious? This coming from the Queen of Obnoxious.  It takes one to know one and this kid is beyond annoying.  First of all she is always screaming.  I'm not just saying that she yells a lot, no.  The kid has no concept of indoor voices.  Maybe it's because she's been raised in the woods or her best friend is a monkey or maybe it's because all of her inanimate objects are also always yelling at her.  Like her backpack...  

After Dora makes you go through the thing, it spits up all of it's content displaying for the world all the things Dora feels is necessary to carry with her.  Does anyone else find it odd that Dora carries anything from 3 dozen batteries to astronaut suits in that thing?  (awkward! I feel like those two dudes in the breakfast club when the goth girl dumps out her purse) and of course the backpack sings...kinda.

Let me just clarify that singing your name over and over again does not constitute as a song.  Who the heck writes this stuff?  I could write a better song for the backpack.  And what the manzana is up with the map song?  My 3 year old could write a better song for the map.  And guess who else is forgetting to use his indoor voice?  You guessed it, the map.  Only this time it's super whinny yelling...my favorite kind.  Forget the fact that he repeats himself a hundred times, he's always telling us what to do and where to go.

Maybe I don't want to go over the rickety bridge, that I'm just going to have to waste fifteen minutes to rebuild, with the complete woodworking carving kit complete with engineer  that I have to find in Dora's backpack.  Maybe I just want to friggen get there all ready without having to fix EVERYTHING on my way.  (Where the heck does Dora live that she need to go over a rickety bridge no matter where she goes?)  Not to mention that we have to do everything ourselves.  "Can you look in my backpack? Can you read my map? Can you count to one hundred? Can you find boots? Can you jump? Can you send space aliens to the moon?"

 B*tch, do it yourself.  I am trying to relax here!  And where are her parents anyway?  They let their 3 year old daughter run around that jungle with nothing but a monkey, a backpack (which carries it's own problems) and a map.  All the while knowing full well that there is an animal out there that likes to steal things, like maybe, little girls?

Which leads me to swifter? swapper? swipper?  What the perro is up with swipper.  No really, what is he? A weasel? A squirrels? A fox? A serial rapist? He just steals stuff?  Why hasn't anyone locked that sucker up or beat him black and blue so that he keeps his grubby hands to himself! 

Now, it has not been lost on me that since I started writing this post my three year old has counted to ten in english and spanish, jumped up and down for 10 minutes, learned how to say dog, hello and lets go in spanish and has answered every question Dora has posed to her... not to mention that I have had to open up a word translator just to finish writing this.  Maybe I should stop whining and just watch more Dora.

Antenella

Welcome to being a mom. You don't count!

Ok, so I finally got my profile all set up and running and I have to say, I feel pretty happy with what I got down.  I know I shouldn't be too surprised by this.  I mean, it's all about me and what makes me happier then having a platform to talk about myself.  But regardless of the fact that all the information is true, it makes me seem like a pretty cool person.  That's what I like about filling out these profile forms.  They take all the interesting things about you and make it into a quick concessive list. And lets be honest, aren't we constantly trying to do life that way?  When we meet people for the first time we're always blowing smoke up their a** so that they don't realize how whinny, selfish or obnoxious we are.  I noticed that there was no "what is your most annoying habit" section.  Although, I think that would make it more interesting.  And the "bragging rights"?  What a winner!  Everyone sounds cool when you put all their accomplishments in bullet point form.  Seriously, I got so carried away, I started made stuff up!  It just looks better with a longer list.  Am I wrong?  

But let me just say what peeves me off about setting up profiles and if your a sahm you probably feel my pain.  Occupation. Now, it wouldn't bother me so much if not for the fact that there are usually five question pertaining to your occupation right under that and if your anything like me; seeing those blanks spots turns you into a crazy person!  I normally just put homemaker (some times I like to put slave) but I know some jackhole behind the desk is smirking and thinking "I bet so".  The problem is that we as a society have told ourselves that we aren't worth anything unless we have a fancy title attached to our names.  And for some unexplainable reason "Mom" isn't prestigious enough. (side note: when I put sahm my autocorrect comes up as sham.  Isn't it ironic?)  And the worse offenders are women.  (what a surprise)    I can't tell you how many times I get,"it must be so nice to be able to do what ever you want during the day."

Are you serious?!  Have you seen my children?  Have you seen any children?  Have you ever encountered a child anywhere your existence?  I don't get to do what ever I want.  I get to do what ever my kids want.  Or more importantly, what ever my kids need.  (Since I spend most of the day making them do things they don't like. Ex. eating, not playing in the street, making them wear underwear.)  I can't even take a crap by myself without having to hold some one or read someone a book or say for the hundred and eleventh time "mommy is pooping she will get your doll from under the couch when she is done".  Seriously, your three years old.  Get your own effing doll.

And what is it about sitting still that makes children want you to do something.  I swear, they are the worse boss anyone could ever have.  "What?  Your taking a lunch break?  Not on my watch."  Or have you ever had your boss watching you pee just to make sure your not taking any company time?  I think not.  Though we have those little buggers crawling into our laps asking for milk, or food (which they won't eat) or movie, or candy, or my knee hurts, or my bum hurts, or I want to go to the pool, or I want to go to the park, I don't want to take a nap, I want my doll, where's my blankey, where's my sussie,  Agh!...  So BACK OFF!  I do work!  I'm a mom.

I clean scraps and bruises.  I chase monsters away.  I play the prince.  I catch the swan dive into the pool.  I make paper snowflakes.  I play tea party.  I am a human trampoline.  I'm the entertainer.  I'm tummy trouble fixer.  I'm the search and rescue for every toy under the sun.  I can find shoes and keys.  I can throw and catch.  I can swim and fly.  I am the teacher of songs, dances and dreams.  I am the encourager, the comforter and the obstacle.  I am the swing pusher, the rope turner and the leap frogger.  I make people see their worth, their need and their purpose.  So the next time you look down on me when I tell you what I do, remember that I'M the one who is going to change the world one child at a time!

Antenella