Everyday!

Dear crying child of mine:

Its the same thing.  Everyday.  I'm not kidding.  Everyday!  Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday.  Everyday its the same thing!  You have to wear clothes.  Every.  Day.  The 4 S's.  Shirt, shorts, socks, shoes.  I try to make it as easy as possible.  Even underwear is optional some of the time.  But you have to look presentable even if it is just one big facade.

Apparently my kids are
going to be pretty stupid.

Everyday we get up at the same time and we get ready for school.  Everyday.  I wake you up, you pee, I get you dressed, I brush your teeth, we go down stairs, I make you food, I put your shoes on and then we go out the door.  Everyday!

So why, oh why do you proceed to fight me at ever single step of the wake up routine.  Even if I don't have to wake you up, you still cry about having to get out of bed.  But on days when we don't have to get up early you come into my room and cry at me till I wake up from my sleep deprived stupor.  Really?  I can't win.

Forget the fact that after looking over this list of thing that need to be done everyday, I realize, I'M the one doing all the work!  All you have to do is cooperate.  You don't even have to be awake or coherent!  You could just sit there like a rag doll while I slip your pants on over your butt.

Of course the pants I will have picked for you will not be appropriate for what you think should be worn for that particular day.  But if I let you pick you're own clothes you will inevitably pick nothing but your bathing suit and socks.  Why?  When has that ever been okay for school?  When?  Did your father tell you that this was okay one day when I wasn't around?  (not possible, I am always around.)

Then going pee.  Really?  I mean, seriously.  It's the beginning of the day.  You have been asleep all night (sometimes) and you're telling me you don't have to pee?  Really?  Holy bladder infection, Batman! You have got to go to the bathroom!  Don't fight me just because I suggested it.  And please, don't wait until I have wrestled your pants on you while you were during a rather convincing impression of an alligator because I am not doing that sh*t again!  You will hold it till I drop you off at school!

And brushing your teeth.  All I ask is the you don't cry during the whole thing, because brushing and toothpaste and extra saliva is just asking for dirty shirts and I just finished having to hog tie you long enough to get you in the first one.  Please just spit when I ask you too and don't let the blueberry kids toothpaste that stains everything it touches grace your preciously clean t-shirt with its presence.

Forget it!  No one is wearing clothes today.

Next.  Eat breakfast.  Just do it.  Your are a raging beast because you are hungry.  Trust me.  If you eat the waffle style cinnamon toast deliciousness you will feel so much better.  Plus, I am not feeding you again in an hour when you have decided it is time to eat.  Welcome to my household.  It never works that way.  Ever!  You will be a raging beast until lunch time.  (or until I give under the pressure.  In that case you will get goldfish.)

Put your shoes on.  Not your sandals, not your ballet shoes, not your dress shoes that are too small for you, not your sisters shoes.  Your shoes!  Every time.  If we were going to the beach you could wear sandals.  If we were going to church you could wear your dress shoes.  If we were going to a drag show you could wear your sisters shoes.  But we're not.  We're going to school.  SCHOOL!  And if I have to pin you to the ground like a high-school wrestler then you better keep those shoes on because just like your pants, I ain't doing that sh*t again.

Put on your sneakers!!
NO!

This may seem strange and confusing to you because you can't for any reason understand why it would be important to wear such things like shoes and have fresh breath from teeth brushing but I promise you there is a very good reason.  Mostly, its because I am trying desperately to keep up this charade that I may actually know what I'm doing and that I haven't lost my mind completely.

So please, for the love of every thing holy just play along until your old enough to make your mistakes all on your own.  I want these people to like me.

Love always your charlatan mother

Antenella