I was debating breaking my blogging fast with another installment of mommy fails but in light of Thanksgiving being tomorrow and the day that this blog will be posted I decided to take a more reflective route. (You'll have to wait till next week for my failing as a parent.)
I have been spending a lot of time thinking. I know, it's hard to believe. Trust me, it was not on purpose. But I came across a quote out of a book I was reading and it just got the wheels a turning.
"All is going well, very well, I couldn't ask for anything better- So why do I hate my life?"
It's a little morbid yes, and is taken out of context but it so perfectly described my state of being that it has stuck with me and I haven't been able to shake it. Sure, it's enough to say that this is probably not the response I should be having to my life. Especially with Thanksgiving right around the corner and everyone and their mom posting everywhere all the things they are thankful for.
And I am thankful! I have a beautiful home, I have a husband who loves me despite my obvious insanity, three beautiful children who are not only healthy in mind but in body as well. What more could I ever have hoped for? When I person thinks of what is meaningful in life they basically come up with a picture of me...
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There are days and even weeks that go by where I feel like there is nothing about my life I like. I am in constant battle mode from everything to getting my kids to eat to going to bed on time. I spend my entire day fighting one battle or the other. "Mommy she hit me!" "Mommy she's looking at me!" "Mommy, make her stop!" and don't get me started on the "I wants"... It's enough to make me sick.
But that's not why I hate my life.
I started to think back to the days that I was happiest. What was it about those times that made me happy? I remembered all the times in collage I was happy. Care free with only a resemblance of responsibility to contend with. I was happy then, even fulfilled.
So, I thought, that must be it! It was because I have no semblance of living life for myself that I was so miserable. Everything I do involves taking care of someone else. Making sure that some one else's needs were met before mine. So I started doing more things that involved "me" time. Working out, getting my hair or nails done, sitting in the hot tub with a book. I must be miserable because I wasn't living for me!
And I believed this lie... For a long time. I looked better but I wasn't any happier.
So again, I went back to my memories (Quite by accident) and I realized that all those wonderful times I had of being carefree and unencumbered were a facade. It was the whimsical way we tend to look at our memories and think of only the wonderfulness that was our life and how much better it would be if we could just return to that. It's a lie, seen through rose colored glasses, so it is beautiful. But it is a lie.
I started to remember what it was really like during my "happiest of times". I wasn't exactly "happy" then, either. I was self conscious, judgmental, fragile, had no direction, believed no one would love me and was constantly overwhelmed with the feeling that I was waiting for my life to start. I felt like everything I did was just a precursor to what God really had for me.
And that's when I realized it. God. When was the last time I talked to Him? For that matter when was the last time I thought about Him?
He used to be my constant thought. He used to be a best friend that shared everything from my meals to my bed. He was a constant companion filling all the spaces that felt empty. I remembered having all those feelings of inadequacy in collage but it didn't matter because I was a daughter of Christ. A Queen in the kingdom of God and I was forever going into battle! I was a solider, a person of strength that battled the enemy with Prayer and Praise.
And I was delighted.
Everyday was exciting because everyday I asked Jesus what the plan was and he just said "follow me" and I did. And I was fulfilled. Not happy, not content, not accomplished, definitely not confident but joyous in knowing I was living for a bigger purpose.
I used to think that the cliche of "Life without God is meaningless", was just that. A cliche that alcoholics and recovering drug addicts would use to describe the incredible change that Christ made in their lives. But I have come face to face with the crippling realization of the truth in this cliche.
Why do I hate my life?
Because that's all it is. It's my life. Sure, It's filled with the most amazing gifts I could ever ask for but what does it matter if I don't live for Christ? What does it matter that I gain the whole world and know nothing of God. What kind of riches can replace the excitement, the joy, the satisfaction this is a life lived to the fullest? Creating, loving, caring with a love that is heaven bound. To know that all of your wiped noses and kissed knees are not just to build up a healthy, confident child into an adult but to build a legacy of delight, fulfillment and acceptance that could only be found in Christ.
I know it sounds preachy or maybe it sounds to simple. That happiness can be found in the darkest, obscure and desolate of places, the heart of a stay at home mom. Where in all the tiniest of places is fraught with nothing but guilt and doubt. How else can we be saved if not by the love of a God who is constantly surrounded by whiney toddlers. (Lets be honest, that's probably what we sound like.) Who would understand us best?
And that was it. I don't hate my life. There is excitement in a life lived for a gracious God that would think me important enough to reach into the obscurity of my life and pull me out from the depression and set me on a rock allowing me to see the life I should be living. It's exciting!
So I am Thankful, I am blessed and I am follower of Christ.
I just have to start letting Him lead.
Antenella
Ps: I may have a way that you could be involved with the excitement of living for someone other then yourself. And it doesn't involve having my pastor go to your house and talk to you about Jesus for an hour. (Unless, you want that)
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