What the Hola is up with Dora?

What the !hola is up with Dora?  Dora and her espanol!  Before I start my rant I just want to set up my disclaimer.  I understand that kids love Dora.  In fact your kid may love Dora.  My kid is obsessed with Dora.  I understand that this is a perfectly good way to get kids to learn another language and it keeps their attention and it's good for their education and blah blah blah.

But seriously?  Could she be any more obnoxious? This coming from the Queen of Obnoxious.  It takes one to know one and this kid is beyond annoying.  First of all she is always screaming.  I'm not just saying that she yells a lot, no.  The kid has no concept of indoor voices.  Maybe it's because she's been raised in the woods or her best friend is a monkey or maybe it's because all of her inanimate objects are also always yelling at her.  Like her backpack...  

After Dora makes you go through the thing, it spits up all of it's content displaying for the world all the things Dora feels is necessary to carry with her.  Does anyone else find it odd that Dora carries anything from 3 dozen batteries to astronaut suits in that thing?  (awkward! I feel like those two dudes in the breakfast club when the goth girl dumps out her purse) and of course the backpack sings...kinda.

Let me just clarify that singing your name over and over again does not constitute as a song.  Who the heck writes this stuff?  I could write a better song for the backpack.  And what the manzana is up with the map song?  My 3 year old could write a better song for the map.  And guess who else is forgetting to use his indoor voice?  You guessed it, the map.  Only this time it's super whinny yelling...my favorite kind.  Forget the fact that he repeats himself a hundred times, he's always telling us what to do and where to go.

Maybe I don't want to go over the rickety bridge, that I'm just going to have to waste fifteen minutes to rebuild, with the complete woodworking carving kit complete with engineer  that I have to find in Dora's backpack.  Maybe I just want to friggen get there all ready without having to fix EVERYTHING on my way.  (Where the heck does Dora live that she need to go over a rickety bridge no matter where she goes?)  Not to mention that we have to do everything ourselves.  "Can you look in my backpack? Can you read my map? Can you count to one hundred? Can you find boots? Can you jump? Can you send space aliens to the moon?"

 B*tch, do it yourself.  I am trying to relax here!  And where are her parents anyway?  They let their 3 year old daughter run around that jungle with nothing but a monkey, a backpack (which carries it's own problems) and a map.  All the while knowing full well that there is an animal out there that likes to steal things, like maybe, little girls?

Which leads me to swifter? swapper? swipper?  What the perro is up with swipper.  No really, what is he? A weasel? A squirrels? A fox? A serial rapist? He just steals stuff?  Why hasn't anyone locked that sucker up or beat him black and blue so that he keeps his grubby hands to himself! 

Now, it has not been lost on me that since I started writing this post my three year old has counted to ten in english and spanish, jumped up and down for 10 minutes, learned how to say dog, hello and lets go in spanish and has answered every question Dora has posed to her... not to mention that I have had to open up a word translator just to finish writing this.  Maybe I should stop whining and just watch more Dora.

Antenella