Baby Mine

Since adopting my youngest child I have been asked every question under the sun.  Anything from is she adopted, (um... hello, she's black as night.  What do you think?) to how much she cost. (I got her for a really great deal at the used baby lot on Military and 10th ave.  A little wear and tear but over all, a great deal!)  Even though a lot of these questions can come across as prying or just down right rude, I love them!

I have absolutely no fear of any question anyone can throw at me.  Mostly because I love to talk and nothing is better then talking about how awesome or frustrating my kids are.  Also, it helps me realize how far we've come.

Being a women I like to think I'm pretty good at multi-tasking but because I spend so much time constantly doing things, I rarely get a chance to look at my progress.  Being asked all these questions over and over again gives me a certain type of benchmark of how far we have progressed.  Plus, I think when I talk.  I'm pretty sure I get more out of conversation with myself then with anyone else.

One of my favorite questions is: how can you love a child that isn't your own.  (Yes, people have asked me this)  This is an easy one for me but the answer makes other people a bit uncomfortable.  They can't tell if I'm joking or not.  I just tell them that it was never a question of if I would love them since I couldn't stand either one of my kids when they were born but I like them now!

I know that sounds really harsh and it's not entirely true but I really want to get across the importance or the unimportance of feeling an instant connection.  Since this question really only comes up if the person asking it is contemplating adoption.  I am a huge believer in adoption and I feel like my story is such a successful one that It would be selfish of me to not be completely open with all the in's and out's of bringing a new person into your home and calling it family.

I have come to realize that people who adopt, especially if it's there first, have a hard time understanding what to expect emotionally from bringing home a baby no matter the age.  Sometimes this isn't a problem at all and all the anticipation has been a better exercise in bonding then any pregnancy could ever do.  But I feel that most of the time parents can feel guilty because they don't have those warm fuzzy's as soon as they hold that baby in their arms.

I can tell you in full confidence that this has nothing to do with the child being adopted.  I have two biological children of my own and as much as I hoped and prayed and anticipated being their mother when they were born I realized, I didn't know anything about them!  In fact, my son was such a difficult baby that I just down right didn't like him sometimes.  But I loved him.

Why did I love him when all he did was scream for 9 months?  Because I chose to.  Because love isn't the warm gushy feeling, the butterflies, the heart-drop.  Love is a Choice.

Just like when you decided to love your spouse in sickness and in health. (What they should have asked is if you will love them if they don't ever do a load of laundry or when they sit in the middle of a destroyed playroom without picking up a thing.  But I digress.)  You make a choice.  Is it easy?  Hell, no!  But it's worth it.

So this in a nutshell has been my answer.  How do you know you will love a child that isn't yours.  Because I choose to.  Do I like her sometimes?  No.  Especially, when she wakes up at 3 in the morning screaming just long enough so she can wake up the other kids then falls out again.  But that doesn't make her any less my child.

So, yeah.  I can love a child that isn't my own.  But what I didn't expect was how much I would love her.  When I was asked recently about our adoption my answer kind of changed.  (This is what I mean about my conversation with complete strangers acting as a mapping of my parenting journey)  This women wanted to adopt since losing her own child and she just wasn't sure how it would be for her and her husband and without thinking this is what I said:

I always knew I could love a child that wasn't my own biologically but I never expected how much I feel she is my own.  I don't know why but I truly believe that she is my child.  For whatever reason God thought it would be best that she was born from another womb but there is no way that she is not my flesh and blood.  She was meant for us as if she was born from my own body.  I will never know or understand God's plan but I know that she is mine and was meant for my family.

Wow...  Did I just say that?  Is that true?

...

Yes.  Yes it is.

But how could it not be.  How do you feed and cloth a child, love on them, hold them when they cry, catch them when they fall, read to them, play dolls with them, wrestle with them, cuddle them when they're tired, teach them words like momma and dada, and then have them use them?  How could you not love a child?



Love is the act of it.  Love is a choice.  Is it easy? Hell, no!  But it's worth it.

Antenella