Mommy Time Out

Just recently I was able to get my very own "mommy timeout".  And I'm not talking a few hours away to get my nails done.  I'm talking about four glorious days as far away from my family as I could possibly get without leaving the country.  It was, in short, the best thing I could have ever done for myself and in turn, my family.

My husband was gracious enough to allow me the opportunity to visit an old friend in another state and I can not be more grateful. Granted, it did take me almost 4 years of begging on a daily basis before he really put some realistic thought into it.  But it was so worth every moment of groveling just to get my happy butt on a plane and fly far away from my worries, even if it was just for a few days.

leaving on a jet plane!

There is something special about taking a vacation by yourself.  As a mom, it's so easy to have an identity crisis.  First you become a wife, you change your name, you change your family, sometimes you change locations to be with your spouse.  You can change jobs, homes, schools.  Your circle of friends change and become your couple friends (if your lucky) and then you have children.  Then any shred of identity that you where clinging to is stripped away.  You don't even have the same body.  You have literally changed every single inch of who you are.

I don't know about you, but some days when I catch a glimpse of myself in the reflection of my mini van window, it stops me dead in my tracks.  Who is that women staring back at me?  Why does she looks so worn out?  Why do her eyes look back haunting?  And what type of body fluid is that smeared all over her shirt?

Don't get me wrong.  I wouldn't change a single minute of my life (except for maybe the witching hours between 5:30 and 7:00pm,  I would totally change that into puppies and kittens and not the monster it really is)  But at the same time I still struggle with the loss of my identity.  

Most of the time I just let time pass and I forget what I used to be like.  That's why this past weekend made me realized how important it is to still have people in your life that remember you when.

One of the best things about this weekend, other then the sleeping in till I woke up and showering without interruption and putting on makeup that wouldn't just end up smeared across my face by the end of the day, was the fact that I could truly be myself.  

I wasn't anyones mother or wife.  I wasn't the picker upper, the chauffeur, the butt wiper, the dish cleaner, the scatter brain, the bad cop, the event planner, the organizer, the maid, the chef, the do-you think-you-could-get-this-done-while-I'm-at-the-office-I-needed-it-three-days-ago...  I was just...

Me.  

And it turns out... I'm AWESOME!  I'm smart, funny and not too bad looking when I actually put some effort into it.  I'm the whole package!  (No wonder my husband married me)  And when people were referring to me, they used my name!  I know!!  I'm still elated at the very notion.  And you know what else I learned while I was gone?  I'm not actually brain dead.  

I KNOW!

It turns out that mommy brain is not permanent and that one day when we stop having to pour every single ounce of our being into someone else we may just be able to have a cohesive thought.  I couldn't believe the depth my thoughts could reach when I wasn't constantly being interrupted with "Mommy" or "I want" or "she hit me" or "He bit me",  "I want a cookie. I want a puppy. Me, me, me, me.  Mine mine, mine, mine.  Now, now, now, now"...  sigh.

Did anyone get the reference?  Anyone?

We haven't lost it ladies!  We are still the people we were deep down inside only now, we're better!  We're smarter, more compassionate, more patient, more loving.  We have the capacity to see situations for some many different perspectives.  From a wife, or a mother, or a child, or an individual.  

Going away made me realize that I haven't lost myself at all.  I'm a better me.  A person with even greater love and faith and joy.  I realize that I am slowly and painfully becoming the person I was meant to be.  Like a caterpillar trapped in a chrysalis.  We have to be broken down, quite literally (especially after my pregnancies) and recreated to be the majestic creatures we are called to be.

Most of the time it's just hard to see it among all the noise.

But if and when you get a break you will get a moment of silence.  You will get a moment of clarity.  You will get a moment of linear thought and you'll be able to recognize it.  Your mind will open up and you'll realize that you were never lost, you were here the whole time.

Antenella