Am I doing it wrong?

I get the feeling that I'm doing it wrong. 

Yesterday was a low day for me.  I’m gonna be honest, I was not winning.  The twins were crying non-stop from 7 in the morning and by the time 6 pm rolled around I just couldn’t take it anymore.  I sobbed like, well... like a three year old.  Complete with hacking coughs, running snot and gagging.  It was not pretty.

Does anyone else do this?  

The worst part about it is that I can’t even hid in my room and quietly have a nervous break down by myself.  If I am out of my children’s sight for even a second they come searching for me like it’s CSI Miami, and I can't even think about locking them out of my room.  

Not only will it turn into a choir of screaming voices, add a cacophony of noise made on my bedroom door by anything as simple as their feet to things more complex like the t.v. remote control.  So, yeah.  locking them in their rooms?  You'll end up getting more of the same.

As for time outs, spankings, getting down on their level or threatening them with: "Wait till your father comes home.", nothing seems to make a dent!  I'm not asking for the sun.  I'm asking for 10 minutes to be left alone!  

10 minutes that didn't involve me having to do something for you.  10 minutes that didn't involve me listening to you scream for hours on end. 10 minutes of not having to referee fights, make snacks, change the television show or wipe your butts.  10 minutes where I didn't have to hid in a corner and make myself as small as possible praying that you won't notice me so I can eat a sandwich without having to divided it into three equal parts so that I can share it with the three of you.  (No, my math is not wrong)

Am I the only one who is spending their nights dreading what the new day will bring them?  What horrors of constant nagging will be revealed in the wee hours of the day.  When the birds are just beginning to sing their musical melodies of the morning I almost always have spent anywhere from 30 minutes to an hour of discontent screaming.

What am I supposed to do?  I'm out of ideas, I'm out of options.  

And I am just... plain... tired...

Is it just me?

And I feel like a failure.  I hear that voice in my head that tells me how grateful I should be for the mere fact that my kids are all sound of mind and healthy enough to drive me crazy.  And I am.  But it doesn't make the days any easier.  

I know I should probably be praying more, or getting to spend more time with God.  That's supposed to make my spirit joyful.  But how rejuvenating can a time of worship be if most of it is spent trying desperately block out your three year old who apparently suffers trauma every time you sing.

I know I’m not supposed to compare myself to other people, especially other mom’s and most definitely not pintrest mom’s but I get the feeling that I’m the only one that is losing their mind on a daily basis.  I know a lot of my insecurities are unfounded since I’m comparing my private life with everyone else’s public life.  But I can’t shake the feeling that everyone else is doing it better then me.

And I'm just tired of looking like that frazzled women who is in over her head.  I'm pretty sure it's all in my mind but I feel like people roll their eyes when they see me coming in the mornings to drop of my daughter at pre-school.

"Look who's coming.  I can hear her a mile away.  She's screaming at her kids again and they are following like howling Monkeys."

It's just embarrassing.

Maybe that's just it.  Everyone else seems to be able to keep their private life...well, private!  Why can't I do that? What is wrong with me?  Why am I constantly wearing my heart on my sleeve so everyone can see the crumpled mess that I am consistently in?  

Why can't I just look put together just once! Where I just grin and bear it and make some surface comment about the weather when I drop my kids off in the morning?  Why can't I get my kids to stop crying long enough to get through a shopping experience without the little old ladies giving me the stink eye?  Why can't I just not look so washed up and exhausted when ever I leave the house?

How is everyone else doing this?!

I guess that's what makes this road so hard to walk alone.  If we don't talk about our frustrations, if we don't find common ground, if we can't be willing to relate to each other and share our flaws and insecurities then this world called parenting is unbearable!  

Maybe that's why I'm an open book.  Because maybe, just maybe, in those off days when I am struggling to keep from screaming, I am keeping another mom from crying.   Because she can see in me a kindred spirit and I still keep at it.  Day after day, night after night and when she is having a morning from hell she knows that I will be there, looking like death and screaming like the uncouth drunken sailor that I am.  

And maybe, just maybe she can carry on for one more morning because she knows she's not doing it alone.

Maybe... just maybe.

Antenella