Things that Make Me Gag

As I was pulling my son off of the sandbox lid in which he was determined to clean in it's entirety using only his tongue, it dawned on me what my next blog would be about.  The world of toddlers.  Welcome to a world where the sense of taste is paramount!  What is it with kids and having to put everything in their mouths?  Especially boys.  Sure my daughter went though the stage where things would go immediately to her mouth but it never exceeded my gag reflex.  Where as my son seriously has some kind of competition going on about what is going to make mom throw up a little bit in her mouth fastest.

So here is the top five grossest things I have fished out of my sons mouth.  This is in no way an exhausted list for perhaps even the rest of the day but up until now these things have literally make me want to hurl.  I definitely wasn't going to tell anybody about it.  I already have bad mommy tattooed across my forehead so how much more can this hurt, really?

So here it goes... Don't judge.

1. A dead beetle:  I can't seriously by the only mom that has pulled a dead bug out of their kids mouth but there is just something about beetles that seriously give me the heebey-jeebeys.  Especially when all you see poking out of your kids mouth is just it's legs.  (Shutter*)

2.  Poop:  Not human poop or dog poop, as if it make it any better, but turtle poop.  Yes, turtle poop.  African spur thigh tortious poop.  Don't ask me why we have a African Spur Thigh Tortous.  I seriously don't even want to talk about it.  It lives in our backyard and the kids love it and it takes absolutely no work to care for it so I don't mind it too much.  That is, until I'm fishing it's poop out of my kids mouth!  Fortunately, the turtle only eats grass so it's really more like a grass patty then a poop.  Ugh, that is not helping is it.

He's great at parties

3. Half of an uneaten waffle that had been sitting on the floor since the breakfast before and is now swarming with ants:  Ok.  So we had a bit of a bug problem in my house.  It's better now. (thanks Brandy!)  We actually found a guy that can manage these things and I actually feel like it's working instead of just throwing my money away so that I can still have bugs in my house.  Anyway, this is a major part of how we got a bug control guy in the first place.  Gag, gag, gag, gag, gag.  I seriously can not freak out enough over this one.  Especially since I had to throw him in the sink an wash away the multitude of ants off his chest.

4. Broken glass:  Yes, broken glass.  After my heart stopped and I searched his mouth for deep bleeding cuts to find none, I realize that this one isn't that gross.  But Oh mylanta!  I had broken a jar, or should I say the boy had broken a jar by pulling it off the shelf in the pantry which was a nightmare in itself.  And I had mopped and swept till the cows came home and sure enough a week later I find this tiny piece of glass in his mouth.  Oh gosh, I'm pretty sure I am the only one that has allowed that to happen.  At least I hope I am.

5. His own hands:  Sounds so innocent.  But it seriously makes me want to throw up just relaying the story to my hubby.  We're in a public bathroom.  Not a clean one that already has it's plethora of disgust but a dirty public bathroom and I put him down on the floor for a second because, he can walk, as I seat my daughter on the toilet and he falls onto his hands then immediately puts them in his mouth.  He is right by my feet and I still couldn't stop him in time.  There was nothing I could do.  I did my best, I did my best, I did my best. (sob*)

Please don't touch anything! repeat X3 as quickly as you can.

So there you have it!  Now you can feel better about your mothering skills.  I'm sure that most of you are thinking you are a much better parent then you thought you were.  I mean, at least you didn't find poop in your precious baby angels mouth so you're doing better then me.  So sit back and relax and tell your significant other that you are awesome because dang!  You are!  And if you are as unfortunate as me to have a child that refuses to let dead bugs lay then pat yourself on the back anyway.  Because hey!  It could be a lot worse.

I'm sure I'll get to blog about that in the semi near future:)

Antenella

Why Can't We All Just Get Along?

I was on Facebook the other day...  Who am I kidding, I'm on Facebook all the time.  It's seriously my only form of communication with the outside world nowadays.  Which, in all honesty, is pretty sad.  But it is what it is, so back off!  Anywho, I was on Facebook the other day and I was reading through the feed and I came across one that was written by a mom that I don't know but for whatever reason Facebook says we're friends.  And who am I to argue with Facebook?  The post went something along the lines of  this, "At target, watching a mom tell her four year old daughter who has a pacifier in her mouth that the toys she wants are for babies.  Wtf?"

I didn't really think anything of it until I saw that there was like a bajillion comments after it.  Obviously, I missed the real meaning of this post.  The comments underneath it were things like, "some people should not procreate" or "what a moron"  or "that's just terrible".  Really?  What did I miss?

Apparently I missed the sarcasm that was peppered into this post.  Apparently, the mother was such an idiot for 1) taking her daughter down the toy aisle and not expecting her to want something.  2)  telling her that those toys where just for babies because obviously, she thought her daughter was a baby since she still allowed her to have a pacifier and 3)  the daughter was obviously to old for a pacifier to begin with.

...

I have a problem with this on so many levels I don't even know where to start.  Let me start by saying that this "friend" of mine that wrote this post apparently has perfect children who have never done anything wrong.  She must also be the mother of the year for never making any mistakes with the up bringing of her precious angels.  She is apparently the only mother in the world that has never had a self doubt or has ever done anything that involves being embarrassed by her children.

There she is! oh wait, her kid would never have a paci

Being a mom that had a child with a pacifier until she was three and a women who is embarrassed daily by her imperfect children I am completely offended that people think this way.  No, I take it back.  Not people, but other mom's.  Jesus!  This is hard enough without added friendly fire!

Maybe that mom at target had to go down the toy aisle because she's got to get a gift for a niece or nephew that has a party in BFE and she doesn't even want to go but figures it's one of the few things she can do to make her family happy.  Maybe her daughter asks for things no matter where they go.  Maybe if they went down the shoe aisle the daughter would insist on buying shoes (my kind of kid).  Maybe the daughter just asks out of habit and doesn't actually expect to get anything.  Maybe that daughter has some crazy pediatric cancer that this family is trying to over come.  Maybe they just recently went through a chemo treatment and the only thing that keeps her poor daughter from crying through the whole process is her pacifier.

Or maybe, just maybe, I know it may be hard to believe, that this mother that you saw in target was at her wits end for a bunch of normal reasons and she just wanted to get out of the house because her precocious 4 year old daughter was driving her crazy and she doesn't want to spend any money so target was the logical choice and they are just walking the aisles aimlessly because that mom can not handle another second of being alone in the house entertaining a 4 year old!

or target

I think I stopped judging people immediately after I had a baby.  Everything you think you know about children completely goes out the door once you have your own.  It doesn't matter if you were a nanny, a teacher, a therapist, as soon as the nurse hands you your very own bundle of joy, all the rules change.  You realize that parents let their kids sleep in their bed because they are so overcome with exhaustion that they just want to sleep for 2 hours straight.  You discover that chocolate is a perfectly logical bribing tool and above all things you realize that a pacifier can keep your sobbing toddler quite for hours at a time.

Besides!  We need each other!  We mom's have a hard enough time getting crap from every side.  Our pediatricians, our mothers, our friends without kids.  Seriously?  Why can't we be a safe haven for each other.  Whether we know each other or not.  How about the next time we just give that other mom that looks like she's losing her mind the benefit of the doubt.  How about next time we imagine that she is a good mom, that she loves her kids and she's doing the best with what she's got.  Because honestly, aren't we all?


Antenella

Letters

Dear Crying Child of Mine,

I understand that life is very hard for you.  The responsibilities that you have to manage seem to be daunting.  Having to do nothing but eat, play, poop and sleep all day every day must be exhausting.  I don't know what kind of amazing place you belonged to before you were curses with the prospect of living on earth but I assure you that life does get better.  I want to start by calming your fears of abandonment and anxiety by explaining a few simple but fundamental truths about everyday life on this planet you will now call home for hopefully, a very long time.

Welcome!

Just because you are unhappy does not mean the world will stop what it was doing for you.  For example:  If I am driving the automobile that we use as our family transportation and you want the drink that I had previously given you but you did not want 5 seconds ago so you throw it into the confines of the unknown, does not mean I can stop everything to make sure you get your cup that very moment.  (Especially on I-95)  It is this little thing we call driving here on earth and it is frowned upon if you do anything but drive while doing this one task.  So, although it seems like I am punishing you for something as terrible as kicking a kitten, this is not the case, I just don't want to put our entire families lives in jeopardy just because you can't wait 3 minutes until we reach a stop sign.  (Which we enviably will since this is south florida)

Not helping...

Secondly, I promise you that I have not stepped into a giant vortex that will take me away to a different dimension were I will spend the next 70 years trying to devise a way to survive the onslaughter of a multitude of things ranging from monstrous flesh eating beasts to acid rain.  It is just the shower.  The same shower that I have stepped into everyday (almost) since your existence here on earth.  I can't imagine the panic you must feel in the 30-45 seconds of my disappearance through those glass doors but I assure you it is for not.  Especially considering the fact that a) you can still see me b) I am repeating words of encouragement that things will be ok and c) for the love of God it is faster then a prison shower.  Seriously changing your mind takes longer.

This is not happening

Thirdly,  Here on earth there is this phenomenon that happens when you are active for an extended amount of time during the day.  I understand that this must be new to you since before your departure from this wonderful place of nirvana and your entrance onto this planet, you never had to deal with such mundane things.  But I will tell you this with complete and utter sincerity.  If you are tired, then by all means, please go to sleep!  No amount or duration of crying is going to help you in this area.  The only thing that will make the bad feeling go away is if you just surrender to it.  There is no shame in allowing yourself to succumb to the enviable sooner  rather then later. There is no rule that says you have to stay awake if you are exhausted, unless of course you are a mother.

Were babies come from... apparently. 

And finally, but not exclusively, mind reading is not a skill we have here on this green and blue planet.  Maybe as we progress as a civilization we will learn this higher concept of communication that seemed to be so prevalent where you came from but here on this desolate rock, we are still stuck in the dark ages.   So I introduce to you the idea of outward communication.  You don't even have to know the language to do this.  Since we are still in a state of neanderthal type communication, most humans understand body language or just flat out pointing.  Yes and No will be very valuable commodities in your arsenal of english words.  Most humans can understand the intent behind this words no matter what language they speak.

We were sexy back then:)

Sure it is a rough, lonely and backward place that we live in but I assure you that it just takes some time to adjust.  Once you do you will have a hard time even remembering what it was that you missed so much.  Most of us do.

Your exhausted but grateful parent,

Antenella

The Secret Club

This month I have a couple of baby showers to go to and I can't wait!!  I'm so excited for each of my girlfriends.  Each of them are on a brand new journey of faith, love and exhaustion.  I am so looking forward to seeing them, perhaps for the last time, with their hair done and clothes that fit them.  (So sad the the last article of clothing that will fit you properly is your maternity dress from your baby shower)  I always make it my job to get the most practical gift possible.  Because seriously, how many 0-3 month pink dresses are you really going to use when your groping around at O' dark thirty completely sleep deprived?  Exactly.

 A baby shower is made up of three groups of people.  Family, friends and acquaintances.  This is further broken down into three types of people.  Old people:  Who have had small children but it's been so long that they are only left with the romantic notion of a newborn.  (They usually get you really cute clothes that will never fit your baby.) Your friends that don't have kids:  They usually get you a gift basket of baby supplies or a gift card (because they took one look at your registry list and one look at the store and said, duck it!  Grab the closest thing you can find that's cute).  Finally, you have your friends with kids:  They are the only ones who got you diapers and wipes plus, they also got you that pink frilly headrest to add to the baby's carseat so their head doesn't bop around in the back.  Not the one with the sku ending in 4689 but the one ending in 4688.  They both look exactly the same but one you registered for and the other you did not.

this one.

not this one.

Ah, baby showers.  Having been through the ringer a couple of times, I feel like this is my chance to make up for all the crappy gifts I got my friends before I truly understood what was needed.  Yes, the excitement is palatable...

But it wasn't always.

I remember when I was in the "friends without kids" category.  I HATED baby showers!  As a women without children a baby shower was the epitome of boring, frustrating and insulting all at the same time.  No matter what you wore you were either helplessly over or underdressed, no matter what time you got there you were late, no matter what gift you got it wasn't on the registry.

Let me just stop here and say that the gift for a baby shower is the most obnoxious thing you will ever have to hunt for.  You figure, you just go to the only baby store that anyone ever registers at ("baby's r us" just in case you are reading this pre-children) and look up their registry.  No biggie.  Only you get there and the list is 90 pages long and everything is either $2.99 or $299.00.  So you either look like a cheap bastage or an idiot for spending so much money on a baby blanket.   And what the hell?  You can rent breast pumps?  Forget it.  Gift cards.  They can get their own stupid gift.

Screw it!

If the shopping for the party wasn't frustrating enough the actual event is going to make you want to gouge your eyes out.  The games are humiliating.  Seriously, who the hell came up with the recognizing the baby poop in a diaper game?  That's not a game!  I gotta deal with that crap (no pun intended) day in and day out.  I don't want to have to deal with that when I'm all dressed up and away from children.  I don't care which category you are in.  You hate this game.

Then you have to mingle with people that are literally on a different planet then you.  It's called mommy land and inhabitants are fighting off misery like a slow and painful death.  You only feel this way about the death part because for the better half of the party you listen to the women next to talking about her cracked and bloody nipples.  Then when you're caught with your grimace face on you are told "Don't worry.  You'll be next." like its a lingering curse.

What did I ever do to you?!

And if you've managed to make it to the gift opening without being asked when you're going to start having kids then forget it.  It's the end of the line for you.  As everyone ooh's and ah's over ever little pink sock or hat you just start thinking about taking your plastic butter knife and rubbing it across your wrists.  When your awesome friend (it's not her fault she's having a baby) opens up your gift it's meet with a bunch of silence because you didn't know what to get and it's not cute and not a single person has said "Oh, you're going to need that!"  and you start to wonder if the whole thing was a complete waste because you didn't even get a good gift.

Then you leave telling yourself that you will never go to another one of those stupid parties as long as you live!!!

Then you have kids...

And the magic of a baby shower washes over you. You actually get the gift before the day of the party.  In fact, you can't wait to get your hands on that registry to look it over and laugh at all the stuff your awesome friend asked for but will never use.  You make it your job to find the right sku number for those baby blankets.  You buy a new dress to wear to the party.  You get so excited to leave the kids with your husband for a few hours so you can go to a party where no matter who is there you will be with "your people".  You can't wait to talk to your table partner about your nursing issues and diaper rashes.  You laugh off those old ladies that ask if you're going to have any more children.  (Try not to lose it completely)

And when the gift opening happens you know that it might not be pretty or wrapped nice but your friend will use the shit out of that baby bottle cleaner and baby nail clippers that weren't exactly on the baby registry but that's only because she is so new and has no idea what she wants or needs.  So when your awesome friend is going to lose her mind with joy, stress and hallucinations she will have diapers in the next size up and she won't lose her mind when she realizes she's out of wipes because she will remember the boring gift you got her and praise God for you in that moment.

The Joy and magic of a baby shower can only be appreciated by those that are part of the mommy club.  It's pretty exclusive.  We have secret handshakes and everything.  But once you're in, you're a member for life.  Your role may change but you will always be part of something special!

So hears to the baby shower!  The first step to mother-hood! Call it the pledge process and welcome to the club.

Antenella