The Secret Club

This month I have a couple of baby showers to go to and I can't wait!!  I'm so excited for each of my girlfriends.  Each of them are on a brand new journey of faith, love and exhaustion.  I am so looking forward to seeing them, perhaps for the last time, with their hair done and clothes that fit them.  (So sad the the last article of clothing that will fit you properly is your maternity dress from your baby shower)  I always make it my job to get the most practical gift possible.  Because seriously, how many 0-3 month pink dresses are you really going to use when your groping around at O' dark thirty completely sleep deprived?  Exactly.

 A baby shower is made up of three groups of people.  Family, friends and acquaintances.  This is further broken down into three types of people.  Old people:  Who have had small children but it's been so long that they are only left with the romantic notion of a newborn.  (They usually get you really cute clothes that will never fit your baby.) Your friends that don't have kids:  They usually get you a gift basket of baby supplies or a gift card (because they took one look at your registry list and one look at the store and said, duck it!  Grab the closest thing you can find that's cute).  Finally, you have your friends with kids:  They are the only ones who got you diapers and wipes plus, they also got you that pink frilly headrest to add to the baby's carseat so their head doesn't bop around in the back.  Not the one with the sku ending in 4689 but the one ending in 4688.  They both look exactly the same but one you registered for and the other you did not.

this one.

not this one.

Ah, baby showers.  Having been through the ringer a couple of times, I feel like this is my chance to make up for all the crappy gifts I got my friends before I truly understood what was needed.  Yes, the excitement is palatable...

But it wasn't always.

I remember when I was in the "friends without kids" category.  I HATED baby showers!  As a women without children a baby shower was the epitome of boring, frustrating and insulting all at the same time.  No matter what you wore you were either helplessly over or underdressed, no matter what time you got there you were late, no matter what gift you got it wasn't on the registry.

Let me just stop here and say that the gift for a baby shower is the most obnoxious thing you will ever have to hunt for.  You figure, you just go to the only baby store that anyone ever registers at ("baby's r us" just in case you are reading this pre-children) and look up their registry.  No biggie.  Only you get there and the list is 90 pages long and everything is either $2.99 or $299.00.  So you either look like a cheap bastage or an idiot for spending so much money on a baby blanket.   And what the hell?  You can rent breast pumps?  Forget it.  Gift cards.  They can get their own stupid gift.

Screw it!

If the shopping for the party wasn't frustrating enough the actual event is going to make you want to gouge your eyes out.  The games are humiliating.  Seriously, who the hell came up with the recognizing the baby poop in a diaper game?  That's not a game!  I gotta deal with that crap (no pun intended) day in and day out.  I don't want to have to deal with that when I'm all dressed up and away from children.  I don't care which category you are in.  You hate this game.

Then you have to mingle with people that are literally on a different planet then you.  It's called mommy land and inhabitants are fighting off misery like a slow and painful death.  You only feel this way about the death part because for the better half of the party you listen to the women next to talking about her cracked and bloody nipples.  Then when you're caught with your grimace face on you are told "Don't worry.  You'll be next." like its a lingering curse.

What did I ever do to you?!

And if you've managed to make it to the gift opening without being asked when you're going to start having kids then forget it.  It's the end of the line for you.  As everyone ooh's and ah's over ever little pink sock or hat you just start thinking about taking your plastic butter knife and rubbing it across your wrists.  When your awesome friend (it's not her fault she's having a baby) opens up your gift it's meet with a bunch of silence because you didn't know what to get and it's not cute and not a single person has said "Oh, you're going to need that!"  and you start to wonder if the whole thing was a complete waste because you didn't even get a good gift.

Then you leave telling yourself that you will never go to another one of those stupid parties as long as you live!!!

Then you have kids...

And the magic of a baby shower washes over you. You actually get the gift before the day of the party.  In fact, you can't wait to get your hands on that registry to look it over and laugh at all the stuff your awesome friend asked for but will never use.  You make it your job to find the right sku number for those baby blankets.  You buy a new dress to wear to the party.  You get so excited to leave the kids with your husband for a few hours so you can go to a party where no matter who is there you will be with "your people".  You can't wait to talk to your table partner about your nursing issues and diaper rashes.  You laugh off those old ladies that ask if you're going to have any more children.  (Try not to lose it completely)

And when the gift opening happens you know that it might not be pretty or wrapped nice but your friend will use the shit out of that baby bottle cleaner and baby nail clippers that weren't exactly on the baby registry but that's only because she is so new and has no idea what she wants or needs.  So when your awesome friend is going to lose her mind with joy, stress and hallucinations she will have diapers in the next size up and she won't lose her mind when she realizes she's out of wipes because she will remember the boring gift you got her and praise God for you in that moment.

The Joy and magic of a baby shower can only be appreciated by those that are part of the mommy club.  It's pretty exclusive.  We have secret handshakes and everything.  But once you're in, you're a member for life.  Your role may change but you will always be part of something special!

So hears to the baby shower!  The first step to mother-hood! Call it the pledge process and welcome to the club.

Antenella