Dump the Checklist

Being a mom and a Christian is hard.  I didn't expect that.  Sure, I swear like a drunken sailor and I lose my cool more often then I would like so it's safe to say I need Jesus everyday.  Out of everything I envisioned with parenting I never once thought that my relationship with God would become so... well, stagnate!  Since becoming a mom I have had the most amazing and humbling experiences to date.  I have had such proud moments as well as moments of embarrassment that rival any awkward middle schooling episode.

But the one thing I thought would never change is my relationship with God.  I mean, it hasn't really.  I guess our roles have just changes... a lot.  When I was first saved it was easy to think of God as a loving father and as I moved to the young adult years God took on the role of "the lover".  But as a parent it's completely different.  He has become a confident, a keeper of secrets, a cool headed friend that has seen it all. Never an equal but more of a partner.

For the first time in my Christian life I have an inkling of the love that God has for me.  The all consuming fear, love, and admiration that every parent has for their child, only a million times greater.  And that's just for me!  Don't even get me started about how he adores you.  So why am I having such a hard time fellowshipping with Him?  That's just a christian way of saying, why the heck don't I read the word, or write notes, or pray or sing to Him anymore?

Truth.  No hard feelings.

Why do I feel so far away?  It's not that I don't want to talk to God.  He has seen the darkness of my heart and loves me anyway.  I know that there is nothing I could say or do that would make him stop loving me.  I know that he has the much needed answers to all my unsolvable problems and yet, I just don't love on Him the way I used to.  The way I did when I was 16.

At that time my biggest responsibility was showing up to school, work and rehearsal on time.  Nothing major.  I thought it was, at the time but it turns out life gets a lot harder then just trying to stay awake during history class.  I had all the time in the world to devote to my newest crush!  Jesus wasn't just a name in a book, he was my friend!  And not like an imaginary one, but one I could converse with.  One that was there for me always.  One that watched over me when I slept and bid me good morning when I woke.  He was my life!

I did all the things a new christian is supposed to do.  I spent hours reading the bible, I went to these really hippie worship session on the beach and all I did was pray.  For everything!  I was in constant communication with God.

And now...

I would just love to be able to talk to myself without being interrupted.  Sure, I pray but it usually sounds like this:  "Dear God, please help me get through the pediatricians office."/ "Dear God, please make my kids stop screaming."/ "Dear God, please let everyone sleep through the night."/ "Dear God, for the love of you, please don't let me actually kill anyone today. Thank you. Amen."  Not real deep prayer but definitely necessary.

But I went to church and honestly, all it did was make me feel guilty.  I was feeling overwhelmed, turn to Jesus.  I was feeling depressed, turn to Jesus.  I was feeling like a failure, turn to Jesus.  Yeah?  Well, what if one of the reasons I was feeling like a failure is because all I wanted to do was to turn to Jesus but all I got was another demanding child that needed attention that I didn't have the energy to provide?  I felt guilty.  Why couldn't I make the time to be with God?  Everyone else managed.  One of my girlfriend even told me that I was a matter of making him a priority and if that meant getting up at 4 in the morning to do it, so be it.  Really?  What if you've been up since 2am with a vomiting child and you finally get her to go to sleep by 4?  Do you stay awake?  Yeah, the answer is no.  Does that make me a bad christian too?

And then I realized something.  My "crisis prayers" that I said during the day where short, yes, but also often and heartfelt. The times that I sung worship in the car for the three minutes that didn't involve me explaining why we were stopped at a red light and not going, was... joyous.  The times that I managed to get on Facebook and read a scripture that someone posted was felt with the heart.

I realized something important.  Since having kids, my life has been turned upside down.  I don't do anything the same anymore.  So why should I be comparing my relationship with my God now, to the way I started the relationship with Him years ago?  We've changed.  Well, I mean, I've changed.  (He's never-changing and all.)  But our relationship has changed.  Just like my relationship with my parents has changed since having my own family, or my relationship with my husband has changed.

Can you imagine if you continued to relate to your spouse in the same way you related to them when you first got together?  How many pickup lines would you have to go through?  Not to mention trying to make sure that you always had your hair and makeup done.  We all know that now a days we're lucky if we can get a shower in.  But so what?  Our spouse loves us anyway.

They love us through all our emotion ups and downs, our nights of no sleep, our days of clamoring kids and they are just as human as we are.  Now think how much more our God will love us.  Will love me!  How much more understanding is He when I fall asleep mid night time prayer.  Or how much more sympathetic He is when I start to talk and I get interrupted by my life.


It used to be that when I wouldn't be able to make time for God I would envision a sad and lonely Jesus sulking away to wait in a corner till I had some time to devote to him.  Maybe with a little tear rolling down His cheek.  But now I realize, He's not waiting for His time, everything is His time!  He's right there in the thick of it with me.  He's there when I have to count to ten before losing my cool and He cheers with me when He watches my kids hit a milestone.  He is my partner.  My confident.  My friend.  And just like any real friend, He's not just waiting around for the phone to ring.  He's at my door asking me what he can do to help.

It won't be like this forever.  There will be a time when I will have those long moments of worship on the beach and quite time that lasts more then 30 seconds.  But that's not today and probably not tomorrow either.  So for right now, I'm not going to qualify my relationship with my God by the christian checklist that we all carry with us.  We are told that there is freedom in Christ and I don't know about you but am dying for a little freedom.


Antenella