Things I Miss the Most

I was recently lucky enough to get on the phone with my sister and have some girl time.  She was telling me about her life and how she wanted to make a few changes to make it a little more freeing.  I in turn told her, like any good sister would, that she should sell all her stuff, break her lease, move to a Caribbean island and work as a bartender/stripper to make the bills.  Lord knows she'd be making more then she does.

She laughed, but when the laughter wasn't returned she asked: "You're kidding, right?"

totally...maybe...no.

Was I?  I wish I was.  Projecting, I think, is the word that best describes this extravagant suggestion to my established and well educated sister. That made me realize... I might be feeling a little overwhelmed as a stay-at-home-mom.  

Don't get me wrong.  I am so unbelievable grateful for the life that God has so graciously bestowed on me.  Seriously, I have everything I could have ever hoped or wished for!  So why this sudden outburst of insanity?

It isn't that I dislike my life now, it's just that as time passes I tend to romanticize the life that I lead before becoming a wife and mother.  Here is an un-exhausted list of the few things that I miss about being single.

1.  Sleeping by myself:  I don't necessarily mind sleeping with my husband.  Even with the fact that I have to sleep wearing earplugs just to make it to the REM level of my sleep pattern.  But I have a queen size bed and I can normal share this mattress with at least one and up to three other people.  It doesn't make for the most comfortable or restful nights of sleep.

2. Using the bathroom:  Never in a million years would I have thought that this of all things would make the list.  Seriously, how exciting can it be in there.  Well, apparently it's the most amazing place in my whole house because when ever I step foot into by 2x2 foot half-bath I'm joined my three other people.  Woah, mom's gotta poop! PARTY IN THE BATHROOM!! (cue club music)

3.  Going out:  And I'm not even talking about going out for fun.  I'm talking about running in to get toilette paper because that's the only thing I actually need.  To be able to jump out of my car with nothing but my clutch bag or more accurately my backpack and running inside for nothing more then milk, or eggs, or a Reeses peanut butter cup, 'cause I just really had a craving for one just now.

4.  Eating:  How blissful it was to be able to eat without having to cut up half of it into mushy remnants of what the meal was actually presented as just to have it struck off the fork as it gets close enough to my screaming child's mouth.  Or better yet, looking at the menu and choosing something that I actually wanted to eat and not something that could be easily eaten by someone else with tiny fingers and mouths.

5. Taking a shower:...   Hahahah!  What's that?!

I think it looks like this.

6. Permission to speak freely:  I swear.  A lot.  I'm not proud and it has been a constant struggle to clean up my act.  But now I wish I had spend more time saying what I please.  Now I spend a lot of time gagging myself with my own words.  Mostly because my oldest will most definitely repeat it at her preschool or even worse, in front of her father.

7.  Not having to ask permission:  If I wanted to go see a movie or get my hair done or get my nails done, I made that decision.  If I had the money, what the hell! I'd get it done.  Especially if it was a hard week.  Who needs to eat when my toes have a french manicure on them?  (Let's just say that it's a good thing that Groupon didn't exist when I was single.)

8.  Listening to my own music:  I don't normally get into anything to crazy but there is just something not right about listening to Flo Rider talking about blowing his whistle while my kids sing along in the back seat.  Oh God!  Please don't tell daddy.

exactly!

9. Visiting friends:  If I missed a friend of mine I used to just go see them.  If they lived out of state, i'd call in with some excuse of catching mono and take off for the week.  So what if my car could barely make it there, or that it was usually on my last dime.  When did you get to see your collage friend get crazy on a friday night?  ... I mean when you're not actually still in collage.

10.  Being alone:  I used to spend a lot of time alone.  I used to spend a lot of time in prayer or just listen to music or sleep.  And I know that I am romanticizing this one pretty hard core.  But some days I would really just like to listen to nothing but the sound of my own breathing.

There you have it!  An especially selfish list of things that I miss...

But as I glaze over this list I realize that there isn't anything I would replace.  If I had to sleep by myself again or go out or even eat by myself, it would be so lonely.  So empty.  What about all the laughter that permeates every aspect of this list that was never included until now?  Or the tiny kisses or tiny hugs?  Or those moments where I'm sitting on the couch and all my oldest wants to do is snuggle next to me and watch whatever I'm watching just because she wants to be close.

...

I take it back.  I don't miss any of those things.

Antenella

Tylenol... It's not just for headaches.

Lately, I've been allowing my precious baby angles to go downstairs and watch t.v when they wake up at the butt crack of dawn.  This works for two reasons.  One, it teaches them the importance of independence and working together without their mother constantly swooping in to save the day and two, I get to sleep in past 5:30am.

But don't worry.  Everything is totally safe.  I put out water in their sippy cups the night before as well as a cup of baby crack goldfish for each of them.  Everything is childproofed.  It is virtually impossible for anyone to get hurt or rushed to the hospital...

Unless, of course, you are determined to put your mother into an early grave.

So, one of these days that the kids actually went downstairs by themselves and seem to be entertaining each other in a save and harmless fashion, I decide to take a quick (jail) shower and get the littlest one ready for the day.  Since she's still in a crib she misses all the festivities downstairs.  I look at the clock and rush my youngest downstairs so I can start the same process on the other two children so we can get my oldest off to her preschool before their swim class starts.

I enter the living room and I notice a cap just lying on the floor. This is how in tuned your senses become when becoming a mother.  Not only did I notice this practically obscure object but it was in the mist of the aftermath that is my kids after not being supervised for 20 minutes.  The place was a wreck!
Alas, it was not just any cap. Oh no!  It was THE cap to a Tylenol bottle that I know I normally keep in my diaper bag under lock and key.  Since I tend to get a headache from time to time I keep a little stash of big people medicine in my bag.

Without much more observation I notice the empty bottle with a scattered 5 and a half Tylenol pills (yes, that is 5 and a half!) on the floor next to my son.  This can not be happening.  This kid can't get his animal crackers out of his spill proof cup without having a complete meltdown from frustration.  How the hell did he get into a childproofed tylenol bottle?

                

Frustrating as Hell!

So simple even a child could do it!

               
There must be a rational reason for the scene that is laid out before me.  So I ask my 20 month old.  "What did you do with this bottle?"  He points to his mouth and says "Yum!"
"Did you eat these?!"
"Uh, Huh!" with his most winning smile ever.

I panic.  Only a little at first.  I call poison control.
"How many did he ingest?" the responder asks
"I don't know, maybe 20?"
"Yeeaaaaaaahhhh, you're gonna have to take him to the hospital."
"Shit. Ok."

Hang up.  Get your shoes on, we're going to the hospital.
My daughter,  "I don't want to go to the hospital, I want to go swimming."
I lose it, for real this time.  I start sobbing.
"GETYOURSHOESON!"
"okay, okay."

I speed to the hospital, which is the longest 15 minutes I've ever had, in a sobbing wreck.  I call my husband who works an hour away.  I steal a parking spot all the way in the front from an old man that been waiting. (sorry)  And rush into ER.  The security guard tries to talk me down as I'm getting registered.

For the most part everyone seemed very calm and relaxed and not one doctor looking like Patrick Dempsey came running from the OR saying things like "Strip that kid down, stat!  He's going into surgery!!"  So all and all, I felt a little better just being at the hospital.  Normally, I would feel like no one really seems to care about their patients or take any of their concerns to heart.  Now I know its so they don't make an already hysterical mother go into cardiac arrest.  Then they'll have to deal with even more paper work.

No such luck.

Fortunately, we were the only ones there and they took us back immediately so I finally was able to breath without a paper bag.  My son on the other hand is having a grand ol' time.  Flirting with every nurse (male and female) that came within a 20 mile radius.

Cheese!  Having a Great time in the ER.
And why not?  They have cars!

So they get us all situated in the back and after everyone has me tell the same story a hundred times, I'm pretty good at it by the time the doctor comes in.

No worries, you just got to get him to drink 16oz of Charcoal, pump him full of IV fluids and monitor him for 4 hours.  Great.

There he is strapped to his IV monitor

 The Charcoal was "fun".  I had to force it on him 8ml at a time from a syringe.  Needless to say that by the time I was done it looked like I had adopted two black children.  (I'm their mom, I can say what I want!)  After whipping off my sons blackface (what?) we had to get an IV in him.  Ugh!  That was the hardest part and he just kept screaming because it wouldn't come off of his hand.  sigh, good times.

By the time we were done he had
charcoal on his back.  Really?

Anyway, three kids, a charcoal smoothie, an IV and four hours later, the blood test show that he probably didn't even smell the pills let alone eat them.  Thank You Sweet Baby Jesus!!

So the question really becomes... What is that charcoal going to look like on the way out?

Antenella

That One Person...

Do you have that one person in your life that no matter what the scenario, every time you see them you just end up wanting to sink into the floor with embarrassment?  I mean, no matter what!  Everyone can be happy and clean and looking spotless and then as soon as that person walks within a 50 mile radius of you everyone decides to poop, vomit or strip naked in a 0 to 60 drag-race fashion.

I had no problem getting my pre-baby body back.
Sorry, I have to be going little Atticus will be late
for his Piano lessons.

I don't know if you have this problem.  This might just be a me-and-my-luck kinda thing, but I happen to have that one person.   For you, it could be your mother-in-law, a nosey neighbor or a "perfect" mom in your mommy group that has time to not only be on pintrest but actually executes the chocolate Halloween "Boo's" cupcakes like she owns it.  (So annoying)

Really?  I mean, really?

For me, it is none of these things.  Oh no.  For me the humiliation is so much deeper.  For me, this person is my oldest daughters swim teacher.  I am sure you are thinking, swim teacher?  Really?  Why in the world would a college kid working at the YMCA make you want to sink into the floor with embarrassment.

I might not have mentioned how  friggin hot!  somewhat attractive that this young man happens to be.  And to add to my embarrassment, I can't hide from this guy.  I swear we are on the same workout schedule.  Or maybe it's because I never go home...  I seriously live at the YMCA.  (You can get yourself clean, you can have a good meal...)

And he is so nice.  Every time he sees me he makes a point of saying hello and asking how my oldest is doing.  Then he tells me how awesome she is.  (sigh)  So dreamy.  And normally, these interactions only happen with mild embarrassment.  Like, he chooses the moment I'm in my third set of ab crunches  to talk to me as I'm sweating and moaning in pain.  Good times. 

Hey girl, is your child drowning?
 I'll fix that.

But I recently had a moment that takes the cake to date.  (So it could get worse)  About a month ago, on Saturday, my hubby and I decided that our lovely kids were driving us up the wall so we decided to take them swimming at the pool at the gym.  No biggy.  How could there possibly be embarrassment in this scenario?  

So we pack up all the kids and take them to the pool.  No problems!  I mean, he doesn't even work there on Saturdays...

Except this Saturday.  Great.  Still, I'm confident.  There are a ton of kids there and I'm there with my school of children and hubby.  I wouldn't even run into him, forget having to talk to him and thus pursue an event that will only end in me wanting to drown myself.

So after we exchange awkward waves to each other from either end of the pool I plop myself down in the shallow end of the kiddie pool and spend the next 15 minutes watching my youngest like a hawk so she doesn't crawl face first into the deeper waters and drown herself.

Now, I'm thinking 20 minutes have gone by without any major event.  I think I will join my hubby and my oldest two sea creatures in the deeper water of the pool.  So I pick up my littlest monkey and make my way over to them.  But in order to get from where I was to where I want to go I have to swim by, you guessed it, the swim teacher.


Sure enough we start chit-chatting. (Why do I have to be so awesome that everyone wants to talk to me?  Hasn't he learned that this will only end in seething embarrassment for me!) Nothing epic, just a basic how's the weather kinda thing.  We'll about 30 seconds go by and this wonderful young man makes a point of telling me how beautiful my precious baby angel is.

"Why, thank you!"  I manage to get out just as my beauty decides to smile, laugh and vomit all at the same time.

...

Kill me.

So now I am apologizing profusely as I am trying to skim the surface of the pool with nothing but my hand and my boobs.  And this young man, he is so sweet.  He's telling me not to worry about it, and it wasn't that much, and it shouldn't be a problem and as I am trying to scrape together whatever dignity I have left a cute young blond lifeguard wades over to us.

She tells him in her not-so-quite voice "Some stupid kid must have thrown up in the pool because there are chunks everywhere!"  Swim teacher just looks at me... I assume.  I had my eyes closed.  I was actually praying that I could open them I would still be in the shallow end of the kiddie pool.  No such luck.

Sigh*  Enter "Pool Closed" sign.  Alright, kids!  Time to get out of the pool so mommy can go home and drown herself in Captain Morgan.

'nuff said.

Antenella