Things to Never Utter as a Parent. EVER!

Being a parent means to be intimately aware of Murphy's law.  Not only is it true but I would go so far as to say that as soon as a small child is added to the equation it's applications are instantaneous.  For example, my son (what a surprise) refuses to wear his sneakers when we go to pick up his sister from school.  He doesn't want to wear shoes at all.  I tell him that if he is going into a public place he has to wear shoes.  We compromise on his sandals, which I couldn't even get on him on till we were in the parking lot of the school anyway.  I also told him that he can't run around in his sandals because he is going to fall.  And what happens?  I don't even have to tell you,  I'll just post a picture.

Um, yes those are all bandaids.

I don't know if its karma or bad energy or just too much energy but there are just some things you can not say in front of your kids.  (And I'm not talking about the f- word.)  Its always at that very moment you look up from your hectic life and take a deep breath and think, "Hey, I think I've got a handle on this after all."  Hence my newest list of things that any sane parent should never utter aloud.  (ps: the above statement is one of them.  Don't even think it!  Your kids can hear you thinking!!!)

Things to never utter as a parent.  Ever! :

1.  Oh yes, my kids are sleeping through the night:  -  Oh mylanta! you will now spend the next three weeks in a sleep deprived stupor since you even thought these words.  I was on the phone recently and my girlfriend was asking me if my sweet baby angels were sleeping through the night and I stupidly said this!  Like and idiot!  I was tricked I tell you!  Needless to say, my youngest has woken up screaming at 3 in the morning four nights in a row.   My son has woken up twice this week having peed his bed and my oldest has been coming into our room and sleeping on the floor next to us. (sob)

They are so cute when they're sleeping...
unfortunately they never do that.

2.  The kids are being so good!:  - Really?  Who even says this?  These are so rudimentary people!  I'm embarrassed to say that I have even articulated this.  First of all, when can anyone even say this?  My kids are just varying degrees of crazed monkeys, they are never really being "good", just not as bad.  And yet, these words have been said in my household.  Again, lets just say that since uttering this statement my kids have been crying at me non-stop (and when I say non-stop I mean like, no-breaks- constant-if-one-stops-another-one-starts crying) for 6 days straight.

3.  Ice cream  (or sugar of any kind):  - This one always happens by mistake and it's usually because you are stupidly uttering one of the above statements.  It usually goes like this:  "the kids have been so good" or "the kids have been sleeping through the night, lets celebrate by getting ice cream."  and I don't know about you but it's usually because I want ice cream and this is a good way to trick my husband into buying me ice cream.  (Oh yes, I use those kids to my advantage.)  But the problem is that as soon as you say this, your children will turn into starved zombies, hell bent on getting the only thing that can satisfy their blood lust!  If you do not pull into an ice cream place within the next 3 minutes you will spend the entire time listening to bloodcurdling screaming until you want to stab yourself in the eye and swirl your brain around.  And then you will wonder why you even mentioned it in the first place.

Nothing makes them happy.

4. They look so tired!  I'm sure they'll nap:  - This one isn't usually our fault.  Its usually a neighbor or a teacher or a friend without children who say this to you.  It's usually as you are trying to usher your children into the car to get home for naps while praying they doze just enough that you can get them to their rooms and into bed but not enough that they'll wake up as soon as you turn the engine off in the driveway.  You might as well just turn to that neighbor or teacher or stupid friend and say, "Thanks for offering to watch them for the next four hours.  Mommy's gonna be at the bar... drinking... early."

and last but definitely not least,

5. Oh yes, we are completely potty trained:  - Are you kidding!?  I just have to take a moment and smack myself in the face for even thinking that this was okay to say... EVER!  I'm not kidding when I tell you that I was expressing this very thought at the same moment my son decides to pull down his pants and start peeing in the center of the circle of respectable ladies I was talking too.  Did I mention also that this was in my living room? Oh yeah.  Don't ever say this!!

And there you have it.  Another non-exhausted list of things to never ever EVER say Ever!  I unfortunately am going to have another week from hell because I read this post out loud in order to proof-read it.  Pray for me!

Antenella