Totally Inappropriate

 So, I have come to realize that I need Jesus more then anyone else because I am kind of a bad person inside.  I know this.  I have come to this conclusion shortly after having kids and I have even learned to embrace this revelation and claim it as my very own.  If nothing else it makes me realize that I am not God and that I need a good, patient and graceful God because I am a complete basket case.

But this isn't about my dependency on the All-Mighty.  This is about the terrible things-that-I-say-but-really-shouldn't-say-and-I-know-I-shouldn't-say-but-I-do-anyway phrases that I have grown accustom to using...  toward my kids... or about my kids.  The kind of things that make you say "Hmmm" or "Oh my!" or "Maybe we should call child services".

Mmmmm Hmmm!

I can't be the only one that wants to strangle their kids on a daily basis!  (See!  I did it just there.)  Even though I adore my kids and they drive me absolutely insane there are just some things that is not socially acceptable to say to them or about them, especially in public.

My oldest daughter is entering her fantastic fours, which is a totally miss titled name for this age group. It should still start with an F but it should be closer to a four letter word with an ING at the end of it.  (See!  Totally inappropriate, but true.)

Anyway, she has been a very difficult child as of late and it seems to be showing on my face because I recently dropped my beautiful baby angels off at the YMCA and the ladies that worked there asked, with concern, if I was okay.
"I'm okay," I say "I'm just ready to slit my own wrists."

Well, this is one of those things that you can think all you want but don't say it out loud people!!  Just don't!  These wonderfully kind ladies who help me raise my children and honestly do I better job of it then I do, ushered my babies into the child area and then tell me that everything will be okay.  That I just need to burn off some steam and not to worry about anything.  Go and relax!

Bless them!  They care about me so much.

But it made me realize that I say a lot of things that are highly inappropriate when it comes to my kids.  Is this normal?  Is this okay?  Am I the only one that feels this way?

I'll just give you some highlights of some of the things I think and probably shouldn't say out loud...  But I do.

1. Shoot me now.
2. I hate my life.
3. Mommy needs more Vodka
4. For your own safely you need to go to your room (when addressing my children)

and always, the tried and true,

5. Miming of pulling a trigger to an imaginary gun pressed against my own skull.  Some times I put it in my mouth for added affect.

Inappropriate

Holy Crap!  I just read over this list and I am both highly amused and slightly concerned that someone is going to call Child Services on me.  But I must assure you that I don't actually believe any of the things that I say.  And I know some one is going to get all positive thinking on me.  Remember that words have power and if you speak these things into the universe... blah blah blah.

But honestly, some times I just need a release!  Some times I just have to call it what it is, and most of the time it is over dramatic and totally ill-advised and maybe a little bit scary. But you know what it mostly does?  It makes me laugh and then I don't feel so bad.

And at the end of the day if I can still laugh, I'm doing alright.

Antenella

ps: Please don't call child services on me... thank you.

The Conspiracy

Before I had kids I had such a grandiose idea of what my household would look like.  A beautifully organized home with children's art work hanging on the walls in alluring frames with nothing but crayons and paints to entertain my gracious children.  Perhaps a reading corner where I would find at least one of my astute angels sitting on plush pillows reading to their brother or sister.

Nothing but organic foods of choice and always a fresh bowl of fruit for my darlings to snack on during the day as they choose.  Never too close to breakfast and never to late for dinner.  There was nothing but kind words and songs of joy filling the house.  Never any yelling and certainly no swearing like a drunken sailor.  Besides, what could possibly get me so uptight that I would feel the need to express myself in such vulgar language?

Alas...

I notice your a man.  What's the
 weather like in your delusional world?

The dream was too good to be true.  Hell, that dream was an impossible dream!  I conveniently forgot that I was still going to be part of this equation.  (I am still not a good person.)  Lets just say that if I were to keep every piece of crap my kids came home with I would be over run,  no one is allowed to play with crayons anymore since the window incident and as for the reading corner, it's more of a place to keep our books... on the floor.  Organic is an expensive joke and if I would to leave anything out in the open it would be consumed as if they were a swarm of locusts!

As for the language in the house... I blame myself.  I'm kind of obnoxious so I can't just blame my kids.  I guess this would be a good time to take some responsibility.  But there are still somethings that I just never thought I would ever have to deal with when it came to my kids.  Nothing you can do can prepare you for the chaos that is a house full of kids or kid in some cases.  NOTHING!

I'm trying...

I'm starting to think that it's a conspiracy.  No one tells you how it really is because then the human race would died out.  But seriously... YEARS ago!  Because if we knew the truth, we'd never have a kid, let alone two!  The thing that falls short the most in this whole child rearing thing is the reality of some of the things I have to discipline my children for.  It's not even the act, its the fact that I have to do it at all.  Some of these things should just be a non-issue.  Such as:

1. Don't bite yourself

2. Don't pee in your toy dump truck

3. If you do pee, do not let your sister play in it.

4. Don't stand on the glass table

5. Don't run into traffic.

6. Don't put candy you find on the floor in your mouth.

7. Don't lick the car tires

8. Don't scream the word 'penis' in public

9. Don't stomp on your sister/brothers head

10. Don't eat your shoes

11. Don't blow raspberries into my butt hole when I bend over

12. Don't eat your sisters fingers

13. Don't delete all my contacts in my phone

14. Don't jump off the couch onto your brother shoulders

15. Don't throw around the dollar bills from out of wallet like you're making it rain... in Wal-mart.

16. No you can not fly

17. No you can not drive

18. No you can not go to a Justin Beiber Concert

19. No you can not swing on my blinds like Tarzan

20. No you can not see or touch my boobs... Ever.  (That ship has sailed)

Sigh*

I wish I was exaggerating some of these, but no.  It is true what they say.  Some times the truth is better then fiction and when it come to kids...

It always is.

Antenella

My House Hates Me

Selling your house is probably one of the most stressful experiences that the average person will ever have to go through.  How fortunate for me!  How is it that everything goes wrong just as you are planning on selling?  I swear, its as if my house is a jealous girlfriend that knows I'm going to break up with her so it's making my life a living hell, mostly because she knows I've got some floozy waiting in the wings.  In which case, she would be right because we already put an offer on another house.  Slut!  (Me, not the house)

Anyway, it seems as if all the stars have aligned to make selling our house a disaster.  As if having to show a house with three kids under 4 isn't enough to send you into an early grave, now everything in your house is going to break down.

Sprinkler system?  Check.
Garage door?  Check.
Garbage disposal?  Check.
Car breaking down? ...  Oh, yeah.  Our vehicles even got in on the protest action.  (They're like the irrationally loyal friends of the jealous girlfriend)

I hear this happens a lot to people who are trying to sell.  It's almost as if God is asking you how much you want it.  I was talking with another girlfriend of mine who was in the middle of selling her house and her check list was roughly the same.  So we're swapping horror stories, trying to one up each other and I pull out the winner.  I say, 'oh yeah?  well did your house catch on fire?'

... I wish I was making this up.  But then it wouldn't be my life, which is way better then any fiction you could come up with on your own.

So, I'm in my kitchen working on some crafting project and I'm trying to close an eye hook pendant with my teeth when I realize I should just get the pliers out of the garage.  Duh!  So I walk myself over to the garage door, open it up and is greeted with a face full of smoke.  Not just a little wisp, I'm talking full on girl-scout-somebody-dropped-their-hot-dog-in-the-campfire smoke.

Well, crap!

So' nuff

I quickly close the door and grab my cell phone and call 911.  The dispatcher answers and asks me for my emergency and I'm all like:
'My garage is on fire and I don't know why.'
'Don't worry, we're sending a fire truck over.  Get everyone out of the house.'

And you know you're a mom when your kid is napping and 911 tells you to get everyone out of the house and you're all like 'do I wake them or should I just wait until they get here?'

...

Calm down!  I got everyone out of the house.  My son was losing his mind because he wanted to watch Thomas the train.  Really?  Your house is on fire.  I'm sure Thomas can wait.  I pacify him with the prospect of real life fire trucks coming to our house.

that little jerk is going to make us all burn to death!

Sure enough we can hear the trucks coming and as they start to pull into my neighborhood I'm starting to get a little nervous.  It wasn't just one truck, it was one truck after another.  Three fire trucks and two paramedic trucks later I start to panic. What if this is a bigger deal then I'm picturing?  What if they open up the garage and it's billowing with smoke and flames?  What if it hits the container of gasoline?  omg.

I am trying to sell this house!!  I am still under contract!

I look down at my son and his face is lit up like a Christmas tree.  Firetrucks everywhere?!  He has the coolest mom EVER!!

The firemen get out of the trucks in their gear complete with fire axe, they open up the fire hydrant across from my house and now I'm not just thinking about fire damage but water damage.  ERMERGED!!

Six guys trudge into my house and open the garage door.  Smoke comes pouring out of it and of course you can't just get into my garage.  Oh no.   Of course not, because my sister happened to be in town just long enough to fill my garage with all her stuff.  Fantastic.

So now I've got about 20 guys unloading my garage trying to locate where the smoke is coming from.  Meanwhile, my son is having the time of his life and laughing and running around and looking at the firetrucks and talking to anyone that would listen.  Best mom ever!!

Anyway, all of this drama to find out that my washing machine had broken and the belt was spinning so fast it was going to catch on fire.  Hurray for the fire department!!

So now I get to add yet another thing to my to-do list.

Washing machine?  Check.

Antenella