The Conspiracy

Before I had kids I had such a grandiose idea of what my household would look like.  A beautifully organized home with children's art work hanging on the walls in alluring frames with nothing but crayons and paints to entertain my gracious children.  Perhaps a reading corner where I would find at least one of my astute angels sitting on plush pillows reading to their brother or sister.

Nothing but organic foods of choice and always a fresh bowl of fruit for my darlings to snack on during the day as they choose.  Never too close to breakfast and never to late for dinner.  There was nothing but kind words and songs of joy filling the house.  Never any yelling and certainly no swearing like a drunken sailor.  Besides, what could possibly get me so uptight that I would feel the need to express myself in such vulgar language?

Alas...

I notice your a man.  What's the
 weather like in your delusional world?

The dream was too good to be true.  Hell, that dream was an impossible dream!  I conveniently forgot that I was still going to be part of this equation.  (I am still not a good person.)  Lets just say that if I were to keep every piece of crap my kids came home with I would be over run,  no one is allowed to play with crayons anymore since the window incident and as for the reading corner, it's more of a place to keep our books... on the floor.  Organic is an expensive joke and if I would to leave anything out in the open it would be consumed as if they were a swarm of locusts!

As for the language in the house... I blame myself.  I'm kind of obnoxious so I can't just blame my kids.  I guess this would be a good time to take some responsibility.  But there are still somethings that I just never thought I would ever have to deal with when it came to my kids.  Nothing you can do can prepare you for the chaos that is a house full of kids or kid in some cases.  NOTHING!

I'm trying...

I'm starting to think that it's a conspiracy.  No one tells you how it really is because then the human race would died out.  But seriously... YEARS ago!  Because if we knew the truth, we'd never have a kid, let alone two!  The thing that falls short the most in this whole child rearing thing is the reality of some of the things I have to discipline my children for.  It's not even the act, its the fact that I have to do it at all.  Some of these things should just be a non-issue.  Such as:

1. Don't bite yourself

2. Don't pee in your toy dump truck

3. If you do pee, do not let your sister play in it.

4. Don't stand on the glass table

5. Don't run into traffic.

6. Don't put candy you find on the floor in your mouth.

7. Don't lick the car tires

8. Don't scream the word 'penis' in public

9. Don't stomp on your sister/brothers head

10. Don't eat your shoes

11. Don't blow raspberries into my butt hole when I bend over

12. Don't eat your sisters fingers

13. Don't delete all my contacts in my phone

14. Don't jump off the couch onto your brother shoulders

15. Don't throw around the dollar bills from out of wallet like you're making it rain... in Wal-mart.

16. No you can not fly

17. No you can not drive

18. No you can not go to a Justin Beiber Concert

19. No you can not swing on my blinds like Tarzan

20. No you can not see or touch my boobs... Ever.  (That ship has sailed)

Sigh*

I wish I was exaggerating some of these, but no.  It is true what they say.  Some times the truth is better then fiction and when it come to kids...

It always is.

Antenella