What Do I Tell My Kid?

I remember when I used to be young and naive and judgmental.  It actually wasn't that long ago.  But as I get older and add more children, I have started to realize how ludicrous a lot of my thought processes were.  I've changed.  A lot.

I am embarrassed to admit that I used to agree with the right wing conservatives of the "sanctity of marriage" and how the "Gays" were destroying everything. Blah, blah, blah.  Besides, what was I supposed to tell my children?  As if it Wouldn't it be confusing enough to explain sexuality to my imaginary (at the time) 4 year old without having to explain girl-on-girl or guy-on-guy involvement as well?

Needless to say, I have changed.  I have learned the error of my ways.  But most importantly, I'm just tired.  They say to pick and chose your battles and with kids I realize that there are just too many battles to fight.

If my kid wants to love someone of the same sex I just don't have the conviction to fight that battle anymore.  If they love them and that person treats them with the same love and dignity that my husband treats me, that's all I can ask for in my children's spouse.

But this post isn't about gay rights or making my political statements about them, its about a conversation I had with my (no longer imaginary) 4 year old daughter.

I shall title it:
What do I tell my kid? : A simple look at the complexity of explaining the subtlety of homosexuality to your child.

Princess: Mommy, that girl in my class says she has a girlfriend.
I glance over in the direction she is pointing and find a bouncy blond little girl about my daughters age.
Me:  That's good.
Princess:  But she said she has a girlfriend!
Me: You mean she has a friend who is a girl?
Princess:  I don't know, she said girlfriend.
She makes a point of holding out the "url" sound in a sing song voice.
Me: Yes, you said that.  What do you think she means when she said she has a girlfriend?
My oldest looks down looking a little embarrassed
Me: Do you think of your aunty Chiara and her girlfriend?
(Yes, my sister is a lesbian!  Yay!  I am officially the united nations.)
My oldest nods.
Me: Some times we call our friends girlfriend or boyfriends depending on if they are a girl or a boy.  Mrs. Brandy is my girlfriend because she is a girl, and Mr. Rory is my boyfriend because he's a boy.
Princess: Your boyfriend?!  What about daddy?
Me: He's my husband.  Some times when people say girlfriend or boyfriend they are also mean that this person is special to them like a husband or a wife would be, like your aunty Chiara.  But normally, if it's a girl in your class she's probably talking about her friend who happens to be a girl.
Princess: Oh.  Can I get a milkshake from McDonalds?

End Scene

Two things:
1.  I never thought I was going to have to explain homosexuality in reverse.  Where my child already knows about homosexuality and is confused by the reference of girlfriends as it's intended purpose.
And 2.  That wasn't so hard after all.

Here's to my sister for making things easier
instead of harder, then I thought
it would be.

Antenella

Beauty Beyond the Noise

The circus is coming to town!!

So the other day some beautiful and graceful human being came up to me and told me that my kids were whiners.  Like point blank!

Me: Actually, for their age they're not really...
Him:  No, I'm not trying to be an ass or anything.  I'm just telling you the truth.  They are whiners.  You better nip that in the bud.

It's a good thing he wasn't trying to be an ass.  I feel much better now.  As much as I'd like to verbal bash this guy and write what I should have said to him and blast him all over the internet for it, I realize:

This isn't about him.

News flash!  My kids are whinny!  I know my kids whine.  There's three of them.  All under the age of four.  With that being said I would love to tell you that I mentally called this gentleman ever name under the sun and then promptly forgot about it.

But I didn't.

It kept gnawing at me.  Most of the afternoon until finally I just broke down into tears.  When I did finally have the tears flowing like a faucet I couldn't even understand what I was so upset about.  Lets face it.  This wasn't the first time I was told my kids whine, or that they are too loud, or that they are just too much in general.  I get that.

Not everyone can handle three kids and not just three kids, (because three isn't really a lot) It's three toddlers.  I don't expect everyone to be happy when they see me and my circus come through the doors. In fact I almost always expect to be treated like gypsies just because of my traveling circus.  But I digress.

After thinking about it for a long time and having a real heart to heart with another mommy of three, I started to realize why exactly I was so upset.

This isn't about him.

Or anyone that thinks like him.  It's the fact that people don't see the beauty of my kids beyond the noise.  Nobody likes the masses.  That's why we have the term 'mob mentality'.  Its loud, its erratic, it's ignorant.  But people, individual people are beautiful, and talented and vibrant!

Just like my kids, but no one can see them over the noise.  And what really made me cry, what really make me so upset was the fact that no one sees the beauty of my kids because they are always under the guise of a group.  They are never individuals.  They are just noise.  And that makes my heart break.

This isn't about him.

No one sees how attentive my oldest is to her younger siblings.  How she always has one eye open to make sure of their whereabouts.  Or how she loves to sing and is good at it.  How she gets shy when our neighbors son comes over and talks to her.  They don't see how insanely good she is at swimming and how she can hold her breath longer then most adults.

No one sees how creative my son is.  How he can tell a story from beginning to end with plot twist and cliff hangers.  How he feels a sense of loss if he doesn't give you a proper goodbye or a 'squishy' hug.  They don't see the way he wraps his arms around your neck and tells you how much he loves you, just because, or how every time I make his favorite food he thanks me with a happy mouth full of pasta.

No one sees how my youngest loves her baby dolls.  How she holds them and kisses them and wraps them in blankets, treating them with a tenderness that isn't seen in any other realm of her existence.  They don't see how she adores her older brother and wants to be just like him, following his every lead and mimicking every sound.

No one sees the generosity, the willingness to work together, the love they have for each other, the compassion they have for others.  The fact that my son can't help but be attentive to another child that is crying.  Or that my oldest wants nothing more to be involved in the game and encourages other to do the same.  No one sees how my two oldest adore their little sister, and even though she looks nothing like them and had a different mother she is as good as blood in their eyes.

No one sees this... No one sees beyond the masses.  The fact that with three small kids you are guaranteed that at any moment someone will be unhappy and there is nothing I can do about that because I can't please everyone at all times.

Kinda like him, who can't see the beauty beyond the noise.

Antenella

It's All Politics

I had the pleasure of meeting the most beautiful baby girl today!  Yes, she is a doll.  Her mother is a goddess and I just couldn't watch the two together without tearing up at the beauty that was this spectacular version of mother and daughter.

... It also made me remember all the stupid things people used to say to me when I was a brand new mom.

It came crashing back to me as an old women had finished talking to the glowing mother and bid her adieu by saying "That's how I leave my grand kids.  I love them then leave them!"  Ha ha.  That is so funny. (insert sarcasm)  I love how you can belittle the love a mother has for her kids by saying you can just love them one moment then not care about there existence the next.

Okay, Okay.  That's a bit of a stretch for the-most-stupid-thing-to-say-to-a-new-mom but it still bothered me.  Maybe it was because the comment previous was a questioning of if she was nursing or not.  That's when it all came back...

Why is it that the moment you become a mother everyone and their mom wants to tell you what to do?  Like you're just an ignorant fool with absolutely no common sense when it comes to your newborn.  I mean sure, as a new mom, most of us haven't the slightest idea of what we're doing.  But to bombard us with loaded question after loaded question just isn't fair.

Its like becoming the president!  On the very first day, everyone want to "inform" you of what's going on and how they have been handling the world affairs until you got there.  But what they are really doing, is telling you how it should be and how you should be handling every situation and if you don't agree with the powers that be, you are doing it wrong and everybody will hate you!

Side note: You couldn't pay me enough to be president.

It's all politics when it comes to a new baby.  Seemingly simple questions will force you to defend your every belief!  It seems like people are asking you questions about your new bundle of joy but what they are really doing is gauging where you will rank in the new hierarchy of motherhood.  Every question is like an option poll.  What are her beliefs as new mom?  What does she think is important?  What are the issues?  Here are a few of my favorites, how they sound and what they are really saying.

What's the baby's name?  Seemingly a simple question.  After all, it's their name and there really is no wrong answer.  That's where you would be... WRONG!!  What ever you have chosen for you bundle of bliss will be beautiful and perfect as long as the person you are telling agrees with you.  I can't tell you the crap I got when I called my son Hawkins.  "What kind of name is Hawkins?" said my mother.  Oh yeah, everyone's a critic.

If it's too obscure people will think you are granola, if it's to common they will think you are boring, if it's non traditional they will think you are pretentious, if it is traditional they will think you are uptight.  But what's in a name?

Are you ready for another?  Bitch, please.  Can I at least wait for the stitches to heal before I start tearing my body up again?  Careful!  This is another trick question.  If you say no, you will get a lot of grief over the fact that its not good for the child to be alone and how important it is for them to have a sibling.  Studies have shown how affective it is for them to learn and grow and become the doctor in the family you've always wanted.

If you say yes, you will get the: dear lord, slow down and enjoy this one first before you have to divide your love and attention on the needs of yet another child!  Studies have shown that if they don't get that individual attention then they will grow up to be nothing but sex crazed maniacs!

Are you nursing?  Talk about a loaded question.  And just like "Gay Rights" everyone's got an option!  If you simple say yes, you will get a whole diatribe about how hard it is and how it really isn't that important or that studies have shown that the baby will get sick anyway so why kill yourself to feed him 24/7 and shouldn't your husband attempt to help you at all?!

Were as, if you say, No.  God help you.  You will be judged!  Judged!!!  To no extent!  They will sit there and ask you what you are thinking and have you even considered the implications of not breastfeeding and the next thing you know you will be facing a life of your child becoming a pregnant teenage drug addict that wanted nothing more then the liquid gold of her mothers milk!

The real kicker is that when you are going through it, you don't even realize that these are all trick questions.  You just assume the good of people and think that they actually care about you and what you have to say about the joy of being a new mom.  You only start to see it for what it truly is after the fact.  When you start to get defensive when people start asking you questions and you don't even know why.  You start to shy away from giving the real answers and instead give them the politically correct one that usually ends with a polite chuckle.  I tell you NO!

Stand up for what you believe in!  You tell them what you really think!  You let them know why you decide not to breastfeed or why you took the family name, and if they didn't want your option then they shouldn't have asked you for it.

Antenella

3 Kid Club Quiz

I was recently talking with a girlfriend of mine who happens to have three kids and she introduced me to another women who just (and I mean just, like three weeks old, just) added a third child to her party of four.  I congratulated her and welcomed her to the club.

"It feels like a club!" She said with enthusiasm.  "No one seems to get it unless they also have three children."

We even have our own handshake.

It's a pretty exclusive club, I might add.  Only crazy awesome moms get to be a part of it and it's filled with nothing but triple amounts of wet kisses and sticky fingers and yes, even poopy diapers.  I wouldn't trade it for the world!

But just like every super inclusive club you get some haters.  Okay, a lot of haters.  Some of them don't even realize they're hating!  (Which just proves how awe-inspiring this club really is)  Maybe they're not hating.  Maybe they just really don't realize what they are saying or maybe they don't realize that everyone and their mom has mentioned the same quick-witted remark when ever they see us coming.

But how do you know you are in the 3 kids club (if the third child didn't give it away).  Here is a quick and easy multiple choice test you can take to find out if you too have what it takes to be part of this all inclusive club.  Good Luck!

1.  Say you're at the playground and your child falls to the ground while chasing a kid that's way to big for him to play with.  What do you do?  a) Rush to his aid? b) Get the bandaids ready for his banged up knee?  c) Pull out the Neosporin?  If you've started to laugh.  You're probably in the 3 kid club

2. Say you're at the grocery store ('cause you know you don't go to the mall) and you do a quick head count and realize you've only gotten to two.  What do you do?  a) Panic?  b) Start a frantic search up the aisles c) cry.  If your answer was, Yell at the top of your lungs the name of the lost child followed by a threat of bodily harm unless they come back in a count of 3, then you are probably in the 3 kid club.

3.  Say you've just given birth to a beautiful healthy baby boy.  What are the reactions you get from friends and family?  Is it, a) How adorable! b) He looks just like his father/mother c) What a blessing!  If you answered, You have another one? then you are probably in the 3 kids club.

4.  Say you are standing in line at the public bathrooms and some one asks you, How do you do it?  Your response would most likely be, a) It's easy  b) It's not so hard when you get used to it  c) Jesus gives me the strength (Hint! While Jesus may actually give you strength, is this what you would most likely say?)

If your response was, I cry a lot and drink twice as much coffee then tears, then you are probably in the 3 kid club.

5.  Say you are unloading your kids from your mini van.  As you grab the hands of all three of your kids what does the nearest complete stranger say to you.  Is it,  a) What a wonderful family b) You are very lucky to have so many beautiful children c) What a blessing!  If you answered, Wow, You've got your hands full or You're not going to have any more, are you?  Then you are probably in the 3 kid club.  Plus, you get extra credit if you started laughing hysterically at option b)

You're done!

Now tally up your points! A is 1pt, B is 2 pts, C is 3 pts.  If you got a score of 0 then you're probably in the 3 kid club!!  WELCOME!

We only except crazies, that have grown tough skin and who are really good at smiling through clenched teeth.  But the benefits far out weigh any of the stupidity that tends to be thrown our way.  So sit back and enjoy, know that you aren't alone and if you haven't punched someone in the face today, it's a good day!

Antenella