I Really do Love my Husband

If you are lucky enough you have an awesome Commander & Chief* as I do, smart, loyal, makes you feel beautiful when you're in your fat pants; you probably don't have much to complain about.  Unless, of course; your me.  Because what is more fun then talking about myself?  That's right!  Complaining!

So sometimes my wonderful husband who is quite a catch.  Faithful, loyal, a wonderful father to my children, my lover, my best friend, just makes me want to shoot my face off!  It's amazing to me the kind of things that come out of his mouth.  Especially when I know none of it is supposed to upset me.  Yet, some of the things he says sends me into immediate "Hulk smash!" mode. But his ignorance I am so assured of that I'm hesitant to even talk about this in the fear that he will see it (which he undoubtably will) and be hurt... 

Oh well!

Top 10 things my husband says that makes me what to punch him in the neck:

10.  I'll make breakfast! -I know your thinking that I should be thanking my lucky stars that my husband wants to cook.  And normally, I do.  But it seem that he usually makes this declaration at around the same time the kids needed to eat and hour ago.  And the C&C* is just like any man who thinks multitasking is a dirty word. First he works on eggs and only eggs.  Then he moves on to toast. (yes, this means he waits for the toast to pop out of the toaster before moving on)  Then he cuts up fruit.  By this time the kids are sitting in their chairs staring at him with crying eyes asking, why?  (side note: He then prides himself of how well they eat when he cooks.  It must be the way he flips the eggs...)

9.  Oh!  The kids got something one my shirt.  Ugh, I swear I can't keep any of my clothes clean! - Meanwhile, I have had a permanent food stains on each of my shoulders for three years.  

8. That's too much in and out of the car. - What is it with men refusing to get in and out of the car more then twice?  And then they say, "Well, with the kids it's just such a pain!"  Yes.  Yes, it is.  But how exactly do you think I do everything?  The shopping, the groceries, mailing packages, clothing returned for a different size, library books returned, Publix, Target, Home Depot, days we have classes, days I need gas, days I need milk and eggs, but just milk and eggs?  Aaaaand, my kids and I do it alone.  Your welcome. 

7. I'm not hungry. -Do you know how hard it is to get my kids to eat?  All they need is an excuse.  After busting my butt in the kitchen for an hour, (because Rachael Ray doesn't have to fight with a sobbing toddler while she's cooking her 30 minute meals)  he comes through the door and says this.  I don't care that your boss took you out for some grandiose lunch!  You are sitting down and eating the fish sticks I heated up for you just like the rest of us!

6. I'm going to shower. -What the H E double hockey sticks do men do in the bathroom?  This is an immediate time eating red flag for me because when the C&C tells me he's gonna take a quick shower, that's really code for 40 minutes of sitting on the throne with his iPhone and then 40 minutes of shower time.  While I still have to take a prison shower to make up for lost time.

5. Can you watch him?- "the boy" still doesn't walk.  (He's 13 months old... WTH?)  So what this really means is "Can you hold him?"  My husband must feel he is only parenting if he is holding a child.  If it's not one it's the other and I know she can walk.  But if I start holding him, then he'll always want me to hold him.  And while the longest the Commander will have to do that is a couple of hours before bed, I have a good 16 hours before that time comes.  So, no. I can't hold him. 

4. Do we really need that? -I hate this one!  Especially going grocery shopping.  Because, do you really need anything?  Air? yes.  Clothes? yes.  Shelter? yes. Chocolate covered raisins? probably not.

3. I got it. -This one is hard to explain because it only comes out when I try to help.  "The princess" has a way of getting what she want's out of the Commander.  So when I see that she is pulling the manipulation card I give her the smack down!  But do I get a thank you?  No.  I get a quick, pursed lip, "I got it."  But the only reason I step in is because, no.  You don't got it.  Unless you think giving her a piece of chocolate is a good reinforcement for hitting her brother in the face with a Dora doll.

2. Will you do something about that whining?- look here buddy.  You've been home for 15 minutes.  I've been dealing with this for 15 hours!

and my all time favorite!...

1.  I'm tired... -Ok, really?  This doesn't bother me as much as it used to.  But imagine being up every two hours to have someone literally suck the life out of you for 20-40 minutes.  Then imagine you just fall asleep in time for it to happen all over again.  And then imagine it's for days and months on end.  Then imagine that you are exercising a lot, not because you want to lose weight, oh no.  Because that never works.  But because you're training for a half marathon just because you have to do something stupid so you can feel yourself again.  And then imagine that you're getting up on a Saturday at five in the morning to run for over an hour, just to come back home in time to get everyone up and dressed and fed and watered because they've all been laying in bed waiting for you to get back since you left.  Then imagine that after the dishes are cleaned the kids wiped down, the floor is swept up, you still haven't had a moment to shower or take off your shoes your husband says to you.  "I'm wiped"  But he's serious... Yeah, guaranteed "Hulk-smash".

I'm a terrible person for this, aren't I?

Antenella