This week I was fortunate enough to get a mommies night out. It also happened to be one of my friends very first mommy night out. So, of course we celebrated by eating too much, drinking too much and staying out far to late for a lactating mommy. (Btw, a dirty martini is 10 points. I come to find out after the fact, ugh. Oh, but it was so worth it) Anywho, while we were chatting it up and driving our waitress crazy we started to talk about mommy things (Of course) even though we said we wouldn't (Of course). And Volia! The next blog was written!
Five lies about being a new mom:
1. Crying- and I'm not talking about the baby. I don't know about you but it seems to be a pretty common theme that mom's, after giving birth, lose there friggen minds! I get that we are dumping hormones faster then Dane Cook drops F bombs, but I swear all of our hormones come out our eyeballs! It was pretty terrible with my daughter. (I think your first is always the hardest.) Every day at around 5pm I would just spontaneously break into sobs. It didn't matter if I was reading, watching tv, nursing or in the middle of a sentence, I would just leak like a faucet. It was so persistent that my husband would keep time with my cry-fest's.
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| Like this Crazy Crying |
2. Fear of Everything- Again, I'm sure this has to do with the dumping hormones but really? I worried about everything and anything. I worried about getting in a car accident. What if someone broke into my house? How would I protect my baby? And if real life scenarios wasn't good enough I would make up ones that were impossible. What if I was on the titanic? What if earth collided with an astroid? What if my mother-in-law stayed for a week? Terrible.
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| What do you do if this happens? |
3. Sex- They told you that you had to wait 6 weeks with a vaginal delivery. Well, if you had an episiotomy, a rip, a tear or anything that involved stitches expect that to be a lot longer. I mean, you can try. Lord knows I did. But it won't be the same. Forget it being enjoyable, seriously, you're ahead of the game if it isn't down right painful. (I'm starting to wonder if I got an extra stitch in the process) With my daughter I had an episiotomy and a tear. I don't actually know how bad it was but I imagine it was pretty ugly when the night nurse came in, looked at my chart, made a grimace face and said "oh you poor thing." Shudder*
4. Mothering Coming Naturally- It's moments like this that I wished I had taken up knitting...so I could stab the next person to say this through the eye and swirl their brain around. (ok, that might be a little graphic) Wtf? I mean really? When I carried my kids for 9 months it was in the womb! Not in my arms where we had full on conversations on what to expect and their likes and dislikes. The only thing I was certain of when my kids were born was that I didn't know anything about them. So don't tell me that I'll know when they cry what they want. Hell, half the time when I cry I don't know what I want.
5. Sleeping- I feel like all of the above would be curbed a bit if we could just get 8, (lol) 6, God, I'd be happy with 4 hours of sleep in a row. Because seriously, isn't sex better when you're not so exhausted that you're just waiting for it to be over*? I guess this one isn't really a lie since everyone and their mom curses you with the same statement over and over again when your little miracle is causing even your elbows to swell: "Sleep now, because you're not going to get it once the baby is born." First of all, let me just say, Shut Up! Look at me? If I sunbath at the beach, PETA will be called because people will think a whale has beached itself. Do I look like I'm getting sleep now? How would you sleep if as soon as you sat down it's the opening night of Cirque Du Soliel in your abdomen? Stupid. What they fail to tell you is what complete and utter exhaustion really awaits you. Not as soon as you get home from the hospital, (because you're still so hyped up on adrenaline) but the days and weeks and months of no sleep. Not sleeping does some really weird things to you. One of my friends told me that she was afraid to tell her psychiatrist husband about her anxiety of being a new mom (see number 2) not just because she didn't want him to worry about her mothering skills but because he had the power to bake-rake her. (which is hilarious in itself) Then after thinking about it she says, "But then I could get a full nights sleep, have meals made and brought to me. Plus, I won't have to clean or change a poopy diaper." Oh yes, I have been there.
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what we think of when we hear co-sleeping
Ps: how the heck did they get a blond baby? |
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| Actuality |
The truth is no one can prepare you for mother-hood but at the same time it would be really nice to have a heads up! I think a lot of new moms would feel a whole lot better if in their "preparing for baby" classes they didn't just tell you how to put a diaper on a doll (because that's really accurate to the real thing) but maybe if they let you know what to expect from your body. I think we would feel a little less alone when it's the middle of the night, we're crying while nursing because we're afraid that the Mayna calendar is right and the world is going to end and we can't even enjoy it by having frightened-it's-the-end-of-the-world-crazy-sex! Oh well, at least we'll get to sleep.
Antenella
(Disclaimer: If my husband is reading this, I never feel that way. I'm always ready for your hot sexy body! Bring it on baby! Just not tonight, I'm exhausted)
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